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Mrs Bonds Baby Search

The Bonds Baby Search is a competition run by an underwear company that allows full-time mummys to vicariously live out their failed dreams of being chosen as Ms Motoplex through their infant child.

Nataleigh enters the competition and submits “professional” shots that she traded for 2 cartons of UDLs on the Perth Beer Economy.

Despite going to such effort, Nataleigh was unable to master the basics of wiping off the liquidy shit that is forever accumulating around bubba’s mouth.

In the end, the photo screamed, “my mum got railed in a festival toilet, and 9 months later all I got was this shitty onesie”.

Her FB acquaintances will forever remember her initial post as the cunt before the storm:

“Hey lovelies, pls vote for my Rebaka in the #bondsbabysearch. Please follow the link and share as much as possable! Clearly, she is the CUTEST!!!”

Fuck all people vote, and she knows she can’t physically make them, but when it comes to social media the pester is mightier than the sword.

What comes next makes a Farmville invite look like a friend request from an old buddy. She launches into total tag & share-ageddon as she hammers her friends with less shame than Troy Buswell negotiating for an old couch at a garage sale.

The problem most of her contacts have is the competition is creepy as shit. It’s like you were time-warped to the early 2000s and forced to play “hot or not” in the school’s computer lab. Only this time you’re choosing babies.

How can you even choose one? The only real criteria you base your enjoyment of an infant on is whether it shuts the fuck up while you eat your eggs benny at a cafe and doesn’t make the joint smell like a public toilet block during Mardi Gras.

A bloke Nataleigh went to high school with foolishly decides to ignore the 3 tags and wall post he copped. Well, just like Brendan Fraser, he is about to experience the full assault of a mummy:

“Johnno, have you voted in the Bonds Baby Search yet? Yous dont respond to any of my tags lol. Pretty rude!!! How will Rebaka win if ppl like yous dont vote??! Or shuld i tell Liza that u coppd a wristy on ya last boys trip to thailand? Lol”

You thought Russian hacking was a dirty vote scoring tactic? Well, you have never stood between a full-time mummy and the prospects of 40% off socks and jocks. He caves and votes for the miniature drool-hound.

To be fair, it’s not just narcissism driving Nataleigh. In 2017, being photographically admired online is a booming industry, and she just wants to give Rebaka every opportunity in this world to spruik skinny tea when she’s old enough to swap the Bonds for the Calvin Kleins.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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