Mrs “Won’t Somebody Think of the Children”

Each day, Carol trawls through her mummy groups looking for fun to police. Essentially, she is the Elliot Stabler of the Special Victims Mentality Unit and is always looking for especially heinous things to go ape-shit about. 

On the topic of especially heinous, Carol has taken exception to the worrying trend of AFL players sporting “mullet haircuts” and the “example” that is setting for her children. This issue came to a fiery head last night when her youngest expressed his desire for a back of the head follicle party.

Now, she would never actually let her children watch AFL as she suspects the culture would lead to them being more fucked on ice than an Eskimo gangbang, but does that stop her attributing blame to the organisation? Fuck no mate.

She whips up a quick petition to ban mullets when children are watching. She posts it to the perpetually bored latte brigade in the FB group she admins. She is met with overwhelming support. Well except one bitch who had the audacity to say she quite liked the hairstyle and chidlren should be permitted to make these mistakes earlier in life.

Of course, when you rule with a moral fist, any insubordination must be dealt with swiftly and harshly. Carol calls the thread-terrorist a bad mother and instructs her flock to shun her like she was the ex Rio Tinto CEO flipping the coin during indigenous round.

She sends off her petition to every level of footy and even the sports department of her kid’s school. A teacher calls her and confirms that mullets are not part of the schools grooming policy and that extends to sports. Yes! Carol has scored a minor goal.

To reward herself he goes for a snoop around the neighbourhood to try and dob someone in for creating a potential child hazard. It’s already 6pm and she can hear the faint thud of bass. She is drawn to the potential nuisance like a cunt-moth to the flame.

She is LIVID. She can kind of hear the music from a local pub’s sound system from 1 street back! How will the children be able to study? What sort of message does this send?? That it’s ok to listen to GANGSTER CULTURE hip hop??? While drinking ALCOHOL???? It’s petition time, baby.

It is no wonder she sent her kids off to catholic boarding school. After all, no one thinks about her children as much as her quite like a bunch of priests.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?