Ms Australian Drug Mule

If embarrassing your nation was a genre of music then Australian travellers would have more hits than Mark Latham’s knuckles at a Taxi protest.

If we’re not offending a nation with cock-jocks like privileged Sydney tosspots, we are banged up in foreign airports waiting for authorities to play a little game of pin the incarceration tail on the mule.

Mel wasn’t like most girls growing up. Instead of having pictures of Beyonce on her wall, she had pictures of Schapelle Corby on hers. Who needs crazy in love, when you can go crazy in lockup?

You see, Corby is like a backwater, bogan Jesus, and when she committed the laziest attempt at the most serious of crimes, she sacrificed herself for all other mules. Especially mules who thought stuffing 4KG of the devil’s kale into a boogie board bag constituted a “good plan”.

Now, most people do a little thing called “work” for their money. Mel always found the idea of gainful employment to be as unappealing as getting a pap-smear from Edward Scissorhands. Fuck that shit, she needed money, and fast.

The recent arrest of a South Australian girl in Colombia has sealed the deal for Mel. Colombian authorities would never expect another Australian to try the same stupid shit. It’s the perfect ploy.

She unsuspiciously gets a random man she met through eMulemony to pay for her unsuspicious plane ticket from Perth -> London -> Amsterdam -> Colombia -> Amsterdam -> Perth. To throw authorities off the scent, she tells friends she is going to Colombia for a 7-day working holiday. Genius.

Now, Mel wasn’t born yesterday, she knows authorities are vigilant. So she formulates the perfect plan: leave after 2 days with 20 individually wrapped boxes of, wait for it… headphones! There is NO WAY they will see that coming again.

Well, Beats by Dre, soon turn into Beats by Airport security as she interrogated about her odd and painfully familiar luggage.

The police are summoned after the white powder is found inside the individually wrapped boxes. Upon arrival the chief is outright insulted by Mel’s arrogant plan, “usted está loco si piensa que somos estúpidos!”

Just because Colombia is pretty much responsible for doing fuck all to stop Escobar getting the entire world hooked on coke, doesn’t mean they are all lazy and corrupt. Like Hillary Clinton at a sore loser’s support group, Mel can’t figure out what went wrong.

A bemused Colombian policeman comes to see Mel 5 days later, “Usted está cogiendo con chica con suerte!” Turns out the substance is “paracetamol” and Mel is released with no further charges. She immediately sets up a GoFundMe.

As for the police chief, he reflects upon the stupidity of Australians while enjoying his very recently purchased Rolex watch.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?


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