Old man McDonald just dropped the hottest BINGO call of 2017 and almost smiles. The ecstasy is short lived as someone mentions that the CEO of Qantas, Alan Joyce is coming to Perth for a business talk.
He grumbles audibly, “hmmmf, can you believe they let them fly planes now?” His mate probes, “the Irish?” Old Man McDonald’s grumbling intensifies as he lurches towards the exit.
An ominous feeling falls over the bingo hall. No one has seen Old Man McDonald quite so angry since he accused the Bureau of Meteorology of sending penis shaped clouds to ruin his lawn bowls tournament. After berating the strato-cock-ulus formations, he boycotted the weather for 3 whole weeks.
On the day of Joyce’s arrival, Old Man McDonald makes his way to a nearby bakery. While examining the softness of each pie, he engages in some of his award-winning easygoing banter, “judgment day is coming for Qantas”.
The baker laughs, “oh tell me about it, I got slugged $2K for tickets to the bloody grand final!” Old Man McDonald grunts, “hmmmf too bloody close to Sydney for my liking, I’ll take that one”.
He is a bit early, so he sits at a nearby pub with his pie and orders a God fearing beer: Coopers Pale. He brightens the bartender’s day with some elder wisdom, “Qantas should watch who they support”.
The bartender couldn’t agree more, “mate, I’m with ya, sending jobs offshore is a disgrace, an Aussie airline should be supporting the Aussie job market”. Old Man McDonald notices the bartender has an earring and pulls a face that would scare a newborn, “hmmmf it’s unnatural”.
He enters the convention and is Paul Blartishly questioned about the pie, “I’m going to give it to him”. Oh isn’t that lovely, a senior citizen thanking Qantas for still calling Australia home. What a feel-good story.
Unfortunately, things aren’t what they seem, and Old Man McDonald believes that he without sin shall cast the first meringue.
Accordingly, he has lived a life of virtue. He donates to the church, he makes neighbourhood watch reports about youths in hoodies and most importantly, he doesn’t stick his bloody viagra rod in another man’s pie oven.
Like a stone-cold assassin, he walks across the stage and shoves the lemon meringue pie in Joyce’s face like he was Kim Jong Un’s brother after a family-destroying game of Monopoly.
Old Man McDonald is sticking it to the man. How tremendous. He was an eccentric Aussie hero… for a little bit. But just like John Wayne Gacy, there was something sinister to this clownery.
The nation palmed a collective face, when we learnt that Old Man McDonald didn’t do this because Qantas are greedy corporate cretins, he did it because the world’s oldest molest-manual told him buggery and thus marriage between same-sex couples was wrong.
That is some bible belt American level homophobia.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
