In Crystal’s world, life is all about sleeping on the street for a chance to buy American crap before anyone else in Perth. Between her exciting CBD camping trip for an iPhone and her amazing camping trip in Whitfords, she is basically the BCF poster girl. It makes you wonder, why isn’t Whitfords the hotbed of camping enthusiasts that it should be? Well, that’s because you don’t awaken to the whimsical chirp of a Kookaburra, you awake to the harsh noises of a Northern dero going buck wild on a nearby payphone, “fucking, sell us some gear on tic, dog”.

Crystal was about 10th in line and proudly wore the Krispy Kreme hat and posed for photos from some community newspaper dude. She discusses her passion with a small Vietnamese girl in front of her, “I used 3 days of annual leave to be here”. The Vietnamese girl one-ups her, “ I quit my job, and I’m wearing an adult nappy to keep my spot”. These doughnuts must be unreal right? Well, ask any lad from Melbourne who stares at them through the dirty glass when he goes and buys his Benson & Hedges from a 7Eleven and each time thinks, “fuck that”.

Crystal updates her Facebook status on her new iPhone while sitting in an insane queue for the drive-through at Krispy Kreme, “Andddd I’m waiting an hour for some doughnuts at #krispykremeperth #doughnuts”. She gets to the front of the queue and is bamboozled by the options. In the act of nostalgic longing to relive her 3 days Whitford’s adventure holiday, she makes the same order. She crams a sugary glaze-ball into her pie-hole as she drives back to her Fremantle dwelling. She checks her iPhone, “lol it’s been 3 hours”, she updates her status accordingly.

Crystal first developed a love for Krispy Kreme when she used to buy them from a seedy 7Eleven in Melbourne’s Airport. A Krispy Kreme box used to be a sign that a Perthian was cultured and left the state. The rumour mills at her school would go wild, “ooo did you hear, Crystal visited Melbourne, Australia and brought back some exotic doughnuts”. A balding maths teacher with a mustard stained short-sleeved button-up would sit in the staff room and fantasise about the world outside of Perth, “did you try a Starbucks?”. Crystal would stand proud and give the adventurers nod to her impressed flock.

She is like the Felix Baumgartner of buying American shit in a domestic land.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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