Ms Rottnest

Kylie rubs coconut tanning oil over her already bronzed and delicious body. She is lounging on the deck of her boyfriend’s boat that is moored off Thomson’s Bay. Matty is fucking around on a set of Technic’s decks with his hat backwards and shirt off. He is subjecting the boat to a horrific mix of dubstep that would be declared torture in a fairer world. Kylie glances over at her beloved to try to remind herself why she dates him. Unfortunately, all she can stare at is his Southern Cross calf tattoo. “Oh well, I’m on a boat”.

Kylie, Matty and the rest jump on his Zodiak and head towards the beach. Matty is planning a hyper-competitive game of beach cricket with some friends. Kylie plans to sun herself like a boner inducing lizard while reading the latest tips in this month’s edition of Cosmo. Matty demands to bat first and instantly clocks one towards sunning-beauty. She considers the task of throwing the ball back to be burdensome and executes the throw with all the grace of a sunburnt jellyfish. Matty booms, “HA, girl’s can’t throw, I always fucking say that, don’t I always say that babe? HA”. She shoots him an attitude-stare and applies more coconut oil.

After Matty has proved, he is king-dick of beach cricket the group head to the pub. Kylie orders a Corona with lime and a squid salad. She refuses to push the lime down and take a sip until her salad arrives. She Instagrams her lunch #Rotto #BoatLyfe #LoveMyLife. A pretty cheery series of hashtags from a girl who still isn’t talking to Matty because he dripped some sea water on her new Sportsgirl dress.

Not that Matty minds, he is already 4 Corona’s down and is already laying the groundwork for a future scrap with a couple of English lads. In Matty’s mind, a trip to Rotto isn’t complete without a bit of rough and tumble on the concrete outside the Rotto Hotel.

Matty punches on while Kylie and her girlfriend decide to go and take selfies with the local Quokkas. While no one they know is watching, they demolish a couple of lamingtons from the Bakery and belch unceremoniously. Bet they don’t teach you that in Cosmo ay Kylie?