Ms Isagenix

Jaimee has been rig focused for the better part of her life. Obsessive gym sessions and fad dieting were characteristic of the first 26 years of her life. It seems her prayers to the God of Shredding finally paid off. An opportunity revealed itself to her: Isagenix, finally a way to make money out of her smug health superiority complex. She was invited to her first Wellness Wednesday, where she sipped upon the powdered nectar of protein financial independence. She was hooked. 

Within weeks Jaimee is hosting her own regular Wellness Wednesdays. Her open invitation on Facebook had the kind of creepiness you could only experience from a cheap American motivational speaker who was trying to sell buck-toothed losers an unattainable dream. She posted, “Fat? Broke? Not winning? Time to take control over your health and finances peeps! Come to my Wellness Wednesday and change your life! #health#isagenix#selfmade#retireyoung#productivity”. She re-posts the update daily and tags almost every single one of her friends into it. This is guerrilla marketing. 

Jaimee manages to rope a couple of her stupider friends into coming. She had all the Isagenix products laid out on a table. Shakes, powders, energy bars and other items that have scientifically unproven health benefits. She repeats the Isagenix approved buzzwords to her friends and promises them that if they invest they will be GUARANTEED to become healthy and financially independent from residual income. I mean look at her, you think those new trinkets on her Pandora bracelet came from nowhere? 

One of her friends jokes, “I am not in Cairo but I smell a Pyramid ha ha”. Jaimee’s fake, plasticy niceness suddenly melts away to reveal the grizzled cult follower within, “just get out. Isagenix is for winners, you are obviously never going to make the cut, GET OUT”. It was like a scene from the Exorcist: if the little girl was possessed by the demon of predatory marketing and broken dreams. 

Jaimee updates her status 32 times in the next week. Gentle “reminders” to her friends to attend Wellness Wednesdays and also to congratulate the particularly moronic friend of hers that signed up to the program. “Welcome to the Isagenix family babe you will retire young from selling protein bars just like me! #inspire“.