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Ms “Strawberry Needle Copycat”

Shareese wakes up to the 6th case of a needle being found in a WA Strawberry; like a CFMEU representative, she knows it’s her time to strike. 

She is motivated by greed and fueled by a deep-seated resentment of Coles. Did they think she would forget about the free plastic bags being taken away from her? Did they think she had recovered from missing out on a full set of Mini Shop items by a solitary White King? Do they even know who they are fucking with?

Well yes, actually, she is well known to the company after trying to jump on the hepatitis berry madness of 2015. Only, she fucked up that attempt at compo by presenting to the main desk with the wrong brand of death berries. Sadly, her ambition is disproportionate to her available grey matter. 

She plants a needle and like any normal person proceeds to film her hubby sitting down to enjoy an entire punnet of strawberries. He recites his line well, “better cut one open, don’t want to bite into a needle ay, darl”. He slices the fruit and what do you know? He finds a needle. Shareese proceeds to act out her well-choreographed ape shittery. 

She pops the unpleasant blister of deception on the balls of social media, and like a herpes breakout in a backpacker’s dorm it spreads rapidly: 

“Yous never think its gonna be u… we herd about needles but thort nah, its just a beat up, but LOOK WHAT WE FOUND IN DARYLS birthday strowberries!!!! NOT good enuff!! wait till A Current Affair see this!”

Unfortunately, her attempt at some free shit hits a snag as the video has all the evidentiary sway of O.J Simpson’s glove. Despite the obvious oddity of filming someone eating fruit, Shareese fails to notice that during her staged hissy fit the camera pans just wide enough to show the brand-spankin’ new packet of sewing needles on the table. Whoops.

It’s not long until the online community turns on Shareese and she scores the first recorded win in the WA v QLD State of Origin for fake refund seeking fuckwits.