Ms “The Bachelor”

Kimmy watches The Bachelor to escape the reality of her own love life; if you could call the putrid garbage heap of mirror-masturbators and knuckle draggers she meets on Tinder a “love life”. 

Each year, for a few hours a week, her cat & desperation stained apartment is transformed into the “Bachie Pad” and she buys into the reality of trite televised romance; maybe she could bait a honey badger of her own – if you know what she means.

Kimmy is unclear exactly when she crossed the line from “ironic viewer” to “overly invested Bach-addict”. Perhaps it was when she surpassed her previous record of 40 angry tweets during an opening episode. It’s not her fault, she gets passionate, and those “sluts” on TV are undeserving of a one on one scrum with Nick Cummins. 

It is undeniable that Kimmy has a problem; consult the ever-growing heap of tissues next to her couch that expanded every time she was “convinced” the honey badger has fallen in love at first sight – which she is convinced happened 15 times in the first episode. 

Her friends begin to worry as she goes down the same path as previous seasons as she starts sharing trash articles containing “hot takes” on the season opener. It probably isn’t a good use of her time, but she doesn’t care, she is an addict, and is mercilessly freebasing the bitter chemical of trash television.

The premiere of The Bachelor 2018 was an emotional rollercoaster for her; especially when she witnessed the choreographed “drama” of Nick Cummins’ “ex” being allowed on the show. Hats off to Channel 10 for bringing the sexy back to a cheeky bit of stalking. 

She immediately spends the next 30 minutes doing a little stalking of her own – looking for this woman’s Instagram. She finds a few accounts that “might” be hers and decides to double down on weird, obsessive behaviour,

“He pumped and dumped you, sweetie!!! Get a grip and get off the show!” To be safe, she sends this message to all seven accounts that might be the right woman. In love, or in bachie-lust, you can never be too mental.