The Perth Hairdresser

When Cynth started her apprenticeship she was a young go-getter. Always chipper and was more efficient at collecting discarded hair than a balding bloke’s towel. She was going places.

Her hard work has paid off and now she has a steady client base in a suburban shopping forum hair studio. However, after a few years in the game her youthful vigour had been worn down like her Cruiser soaked liver. 

It’s her first day back after a little break over the silly season and her week long accumulative hangover has her looking like a zombie that narrowly avoided an explosion at the MAC cosmetics factory. 

She audibly sighs when her first client is the seedy old bloke who’s only mission in life is to get a tiddy to brush past the back of his head. He used to be a frequent flinger at the local knock shop but his gravy rod now has the structural integrity of a microwaved sausage roll. 

After old wrinkly balls leaves, Cynth has a moment to sit down before she hears the thunderous thighs of a middle-aged woman brandishing a coupon. She is a walking 1-star Yelp review that sets the mood perfectly upon arrival, “no one EVER gets my hair right”. Oh, boy. 

She demands Cynth keeps the “speak to your manager” length while adding a strong flair of Cate Blanchett. She really needs a magician rather than a beautician because this trim train has an express ticket to Karen-town. 

Admittedly, Cynth is way too dusty to pull off a miracle and the end result has the woman looking like a cross between Warrick Capper and a scarecrow after the Farmer didn’t get a wife. Frankly, she could’ve got a better cut at the butcher across the road.

She refuses to pay and instantly leaves a savage review on the local community Facebook page. Discretion may be the better part of valour, but Cynth is born & bred Bassendean and thrives off drama.

Rather than smooth things over she blames the cut on the fact the ladies hair was as bleach damaged as a cam girl’s back entrance, “oh get lost mole! I did the best I could can’t help ugly!!! RUDE and if you’d looked after your HAIR betta yous would’f been happy”.

Cynth’s attitude towards customer relations sucks worse than a second-hand hoover, and she gets a call from her boss to let her know she need not bother coming in on Monday.

Her course of action? To slander her now former employer on the same group and threaten to take it to Fair Work. Everyone else grabs some popcorn because there is going to be more drama than a box set of Law & Order SVU.