The Vespa Driver

A Vespa isn’t just a vehicle, it’s a mobile statement for the gent who fancies himself the personification of the Renaissance because he has a fine arts degree and spent 2 weeks trying to get his spaghetto wet in Florence. Tobias is just that kinda man. 

As any reasonable man would do, Tobias dropped $6k on a Vespa Primavera in bright dog-dick-red. He knows it’s expensive, but you really can’t put a price on letting people know you are better than them. As for the colour, a little extra visibility goes a long way, given Vespa drivers only slightly outrank cyclists on the Perth get the fuck out of my way scale.

By day, Tobias zips around inner city burbs pissing off drivers and regaling everyone with the high pitched sounds of gentrification. Old school residents on his street block their ears and dream about the days when the top-knotted soap scum of the gentri-atti hadn’t built up on their working-class neighbourhood.

By night, Tobias imposes himself on acquaintance’s art exhibitions and shit. There is nothing he loves more than being seen at “cultured” events and like any true waste of a facial, he loves to arrive “fashionably late”. Tonight, he has a fashion show to attend.

He rides past to see if anyone cool enough is having a smoke out the front. After all, what is the point of rocking up if the in-crowd doesn’t see his Vespa? 

Unfortunately, only a pair of uggos are out the front. Not to worry, he has the remedy, he’ll just lurk in the darkness like the Cuntback of Notre Dame and wait for the right crowd to emerge. A perfectly well-adjusted course of action, Tobias.

Finally, a gaggle of fashionista’s emerge for a dart, so Tobias swoops in and pulls up front & centre. No one gives a shit. Well, except for Tobias, he basically creamed his jeans with that entrance. Smoother than a junkie’s palm after a 10-hour meth wank, baby.

It isn’t long before Tobias is able to hijack a conversation and to talk about Vespas. It was an easy in, a designer mentioned she wanted to branch out into keep-cup designs and Tobias was able to mention that he’s basically Captain Planet because he owns a low emissions vehicle, “Vespa, baby, is there anything they can’t do?”

Punch you in the mouth, for one, mate.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?