So, you kind of love Australia but aren’t willing to try very hard to show it? Well, what demonstrates your patriotism quite like a couple of $2 Chinese made Aussie flags attached to your internationally manufactured car?

Typically, the flags go up in January and aren’t taken down until about September. That’s a good chunk of the year you get to drive around looking like the Netflix version of a one car international delegate convoy. Not very awe inspiring if you’re being honest.

Now, set aside the cringeworthy mediocrity of the flags the real problem you have is that you manage to irritate both sides of Australian society.

On the one hand, you’ve failed to meet the required Straya levels of knuckledraggers who wear Aussie flags as capes and bottle skulls like a colour coded game of wack-a-mole. To satisfy these Cronulla-commandos you need a good peppering of aggressive, jingoistic bumper stickers. Little flags just don’t cut it, pal.

Similarly, you disgust the self-loathing Australians who recoil at the sight of the southern cross like a vampire getting a whiff of a Frenchman’s breath. They’d rather use the flag as toilet paper and leave a big stain on that white Australian policy. So, this leaves you in the company of the other battlers who have decided to flag up their rides.

You will also have to deal with the harsh reality of life that not all cheap, Aussie car flags last the distance. Whether by wind, burnout or a boozed up beer baboon jumping on your car at some point on Australia Day, your investment in this nation will lay in the gutter with hundreds of others.

Naturally, your love for Australia only extends to clipping on the flags and doesn’t go as far to keeping it clean and litter free. Perhaps you only *like* Australia as a friend. Don’t want to get too committed. Don’t want to break its heart.

Basically, in the party of life, you are standing in the corner with the other divorced sad dads talking about the deal you got on a second-hand lawnmower. No one hates you, they just don’t particularly want to come anywhere near you.