Mrs Back to School

The first day back at school is the biggest event on the mummy-blogger calendar. It is a ruthless blogfest where mummy-magicians compete to see who can pull off the grandest illusion of all – that they aren’t just using their kids for social media clout.

Jacinta maniacally wakes her kids up at 530am to get ready. While she will tell you straight out that her children are beautiful no matter what, she also knows the camera can be harsh, and she isn’t going to let her grubby little toad-spawn ruin her#backtoschool photo with their unrepentant ugliness.

After an hour, 55 photo attempts and expert use of an Instagram filter, Jacinta finally has a shot she can use. You can barely even tell that young Jassie had been crying for 35minutes after mummy shoved a photo in her face and told her to rethink the happy meal next time. She uploads the photo,

“DAY ONE ROUND 2 – Always a bittersweet day, but so proud of my little monsters! I’m going to miss all the cuddles, home just feels so quiet ;( Shine bright my babes, the world is yours x #proudmum#backtoschool #livelovelearn#childrenarethefuture#notgoingtocry

She briefly wades in the low tides of her own bullshit before snapping back into reality and ignores her children as she gets to work on round 2 of #backtoschool posting – the great lunchbox wars.

See, the contents of your kid’s lunch box transcends simple nutrition as its the best way to really shove your caregiving prowess down the throats of other mummies. 

After the lunchbox photo shoot, Jacinta only has 40minutes to pick the right activewear for the#schooldropoff. It’s important to look fierce because it’s not just about raising her kids better than you, it’s about not looking like a frumpy sack of horseshit doing it.

Jacinta drops her kids off and then stops inconsiderately in the drop off section like it was her personal VIP parking. You think she just got the Rangey detailed because she intended to act like a polite human being?

She exits her car to engage in a judgmental stare session with the other mummies who have stepped out of their cars to join this kiss & drop fashion show.

She smirks at the tracky-dack-arsed mummy-slobs who hide their Big W wadrobe shame from inside their cars. Honk all you want, plebs, it won’t make your child 1/10th as important as how Jactina see’s her little babies.

Alas, there is not much time for pleasantries, as Jacinta needs to get home to share screenshots of other mummy’s #backtoschool pics in FB groups and speculate about their fitness for parenthood. 

After ruthlessly tearing into mummies like an Egyptian necrophiliac, Jacinta decides to check out her own posts are doing. To her disgust, her posts have only managed 50 likes a piece.

Careful not to overreact, she locks herself in the bathroom and cries for 2 hours and then confides in a friend, “they better do well in school because they will never make it in social media”.

She deletes the photos and seriously questions why she bothers with this motherly malarkey. Ah well, nothing a little 10:#0am chardy won’t fix, ay?

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?