Mr “I’m Building a House!”

Remember that high school acquaintance you don’t like, purchasing that house you didn’t give a shit about, with money you didn’t believe was his? Well, he’s back baby and taking full advantage of the Government’s building bonus.

On a Thursday morning, he decides to assault social media with a despicable act of smugolgical warfare. He posts a picture taken of himself wearing an unneeded hard hat standing next to a bare concrete slab,

“2 years ago I said no. I said no to rent, and I said no to not getting ahead in life. Now I’ve paid off my first home and used the equity to invest in my future and expand my property portfolio. This empty slab represents sacrifice, heard of it? Ask yourself what have you done before breakfast today? 😛 #propertydeveloper #portfolio #bigmanting #bricksandmortar #slablife #lolrenting #makingmoves #skysthelimits #avocadoontoast”

If a couple of parentally-purchased abodes is a “property portfolio” then a Rockingham yobbo’s collection of thrashed out front lawn Commodores must be a “fleet”.

His post is dripping with the unpalatable grease of delusion. The utter punchable-face-prose is liked by the usual suspects of self-made millennials who holiday 8 months a year and make up job titles for themselves.

Over the next few months, the concrete slab is posted to social media so often you’d think it was a newborn bubba with shit all over its mouth, but much like using a pirated copy of Windows, the updates are not wanted.

Not content with merely pissing off his acquaintances, Anthony decides to play dress up and destroy his contracted tradie’s will to live. In fact, his desire to know everything has the tradies dodging questions like Christian Porter at a press conference.

His social media presence is painful, but he is worse in person. His friends notice that he lowers his voice and tradifies his lingo when talking about the house, “yeh nah, worksafe are riding us on the 33mm brackets, she’ll be right, those pen pushers couldn’t organise a fingering on a Metros, dancefloor mate”.

Months elapse, and Anthony notices that his slab looks exactly the same. Turns out daddy is being investigated by the ATO, and the cash flow has slowed. Aw no! Not to fear, Anthony is a seasoned shiteater, and knows exactly how to play it:

“Tell you what, building a house is the toughest thing you’ll ever do. I’m down on site every day, it’s a hard slog, but we are getting there! Experiencing a slight delay at the moment because we’re waiting on my supplier in Germany to send down the BEST plumbing in the world, hey I’ve come this far, why skimp on quality right 😛 ? #imworthit #germanisbest #powermove #mogul”

No one believed he financed the house let alone that he has lifted a single privileged finger to construct it. Nevertheless, the one positive to come from his Bob the Buildercunt posts is that they probably constitute a complete defence to strangling him with your bare hands.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?