Belinda used to live a normal life until she was gifted a Calathea for her birthday. Soon after, she was bulbs-deep into a home jungle and was spiraling ever closer towards the heart of houseplant darkness. She had become a “plant mum”.
Her social life was the first unpleasant weed to be wacked on her path to plant-lightenment. Her weekends were frenzied plant shopping sprees where she’d spend like Aladin after he heard Rugs-a-Million was closing down. After all, when you kill more plants than a drought, you need to keep your supply up.
To make it very clear to her friends and family that she prefers the company of carbon sponges, she posts a pic of herself cleaning around them on Saturday night,
“Saturday night spent looking after my leaf-babies hehe, do I need to (A) get out more? Or (B) buy more plants? Lock in B Eddie hehe 😛#girlswithplants#houseplantsofinstagram#crazyplantlady#planthoarder#plantparenthood#growmethemoney#plantgoals”
Although her social life was wilting, Belinda still had room for her boyfriend in her life, at least until her zucchini plant yielded a decent harvest. Every plant mum needs a few good roots after all. Plus, she had a soft spot for him when he invited her to help spruce up his home.
See, when it came to home decor, his tastes were vanilla, so he was happy for Belinda to experiment with a bit of a green thumb, but what he didn’t expect was to be mercilessly gaped by a green-fist within a week. Plants fucking everywhere. No room was safe from Belinda’s growing obsession.
Nor was any outing safe. As he learned when, despite running late, Belinda made him swerve cross 4 lanes of traffic to check out a farmer’s market. Her sister’s wedding could wait, there would be a fucking Pilea at that market, and couldn’t take the chance.
To make up the lost ground from having to socialise with her selfish sister this weekend, Belinda plans a “plant party” for the following Saturday.
It will be a normal plant event – everyone brings a plant, tells a few botany yarns and then Belinda is going to reveal what gender she has chosen for her new Pilea by smashing a pot plant full of pink glitter on the floor. Perfectly normal shit.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?