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Mr Bunnings DIY

Trevor is about as handy as a Saudi Arabian thief. A DIY drongo that was initiated in the fires of emasculation. He will never forget the look on his wife’s face when he couldn’t fix the reticulation and he is haunted by the memories of having to call in a superior man to make his wife’s garden wet again. 

Having been cucked six ways to Sunday, Trevor embarked on a series of DIY projects to claw back some self-respect. Like the Texas Chainsaw killer, there was evidence of his sloppy hack jobs all over the house. A doorknob here, a plaster job there, but for the most part, it was harmless. 

That was until Trevor received the news that his daughter was getting married. The news set off a fuse in Trevor and resulted in a backyard construction boom. Trevor was going to build a pergola for the big day. Only, Trevor doesn’t know how to build a pergola. 

Trevor bangs the VW Polo down to Bunnings to stock up on pergola gear. The staff pick him for a weekend warrior immediately. His brand spankin’ Blunnies are unscuffed and his hands are as smooth as a metrosexual’s ballsack. 

His mission at Bunnings is simple: extract information about building a pergola without ever actually admitting that he can’t build a pergola. It’s a fine line, and many dad bods have stood before him on the hallowed turf of the Bunnings’ trade section. 

Having picked up enough nuts & bolts to be put on a Government pipebomb watchlist, he turns his attention to timber. The staff watch on in disbelief as Trevor stacks treated pine on his VW’s roof and then begins to secure them with an intricate web of occy straps – making sure to not drop his snag at any point. Why are weekend warriors so allergic to trailer hire?

He repeats this Final Cuntstination effort every weekend for 3 months. One loose strap and his fellow road users will be dodging wood like Pinocchio’s girlfriend who is interrogating him as to why he came home with lipstick on his neck.

2 weeks from his daughter’s wedding, the backyard still looks like a CFMEU site during a go slow. He understands the sense of urgency, as he is in the precarious predicament where he could ruin two marriages on the same day. 

He makes the reluctant call to a local chippie. Money spent on tools & material: $5000, chippies quote: $5000, having a daughter that will actually look you in the eyes for the rest of your life: priceless.

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