Right now, thousands of Western Australians are suffering from 5th degree SE Asian holiday blue balls. Thanks to early superannuation pilfering & the cancellation of the royal show, WA families were primed to stick their snouts in the 5-star resort trough this time. Alas, Bali won’t be rolling out the shart covered red carpet until 2021.

What is your local neighbourhood “boss” meant to do? Well, one could wallow in pity or one could redirect this financial boon towards the ultimate in outer suburban luxury – a Balinese backyard makeover. Ballin’.

At first, a full landscaping makeover seems like an expensive task. However, there is an old saying south of the river – “it’s only expensive if you farken pay em”.

This is particularly effective if you manage to get the old ball & chain’s second cousin to do the work for you. Ultimately, you are teaching the naive cousin a lesson in getting rolled by the best.

Obviously, your above ground fibreglass Buccaneer pool will be the hero of this makeover. While this may be a far cry from the beautiful below ground infinity pools you’re used to pissing in, you can simply throw up some fake palm trees and shit to create the ruse. No one will know the difference.

Next step is picking the perfect gazebo that screams, “my neighbours will have to listen to me finger blasting my defacto under this every night of summer”.

Make sure to erect the gazebo close enough to the pool so you can scream at your defacto to grab you another cold Bintang – just like she was a real Balinese servant.

It stands to reason that you can’t wait for your loving partner to retrieve a beer from inside so ensure you invest in the flimsy bamboo tiki bar to place under your gazebo. Chuck in a bar fridge and you’re ready to go. Ignore the constant feedback you get that it looks tacky.

By this stage, you have all the main infrastructure but you need to tie it all together. Really give it that razzle-dazzle. To do this, just place some Hindu statues around your yard.

These spiritual shrines mean nothing to you but everything to the Balinese. So you can even defecate on their culture from the comfort of your own home.

All that’s left is to invite the friends over and get on with the thing you miss most from your Balinese getaways – drinking, fighting and ordering traditional Kuta fare – McDonalds. Think of it as training for your next international your of disgrace.