highgate Perth

Mrs Highgate

Whenever Alexis tells people she lives in Highgate she is quick to point out that she lives in what she believes to be the nice part – the North West section. Not in the apartment shantytown to the South. If someone was to ever get their lines crossed on this point she would literally die. 

She spends her morning with a mummy group down at Hyde Park. Like a horde of pram-bovine, they take up the entire path as they drift towards the playground forcing anyone to get the hell  out of their way. 

She then ignores her friends, child and spoiled hound as she sits glued to her phone – updating everyone on how magical it is to spend time with her children at beautiful Hyde Park. 

You just can’t find a better playground near a hotter spot for anonymous toilet sex. After some “quality time,” she decides to head home. Plus, they only walked past 5 used syringes today. A great improvement and a sure indicator that the housing prices are also going to shoot up in the area soon. 

This is because her only real task today is to be home for when the plumber comes to have a look at her pipes. Although this is no incognito window scene, she is loathed to even have to deal with a blue-collar pleb. Accordingly, she doesn’t value his time very much. 

While 7minutes deep into the Chu line, Alexis receives a call from the tradie. He’s standing at her front door and has a ton of shit to do today. Alexis tells him she’ll be right there but has invested too much time in this line to just give up now. Accordingly, she continues to wait for a further 7 minutes to get a pastry. 

She dismisses the tradie’s frustrations as him being hysterical and reminds him he’ll be reimbursing her for any mess he might leave. After hurrying him up, she notices it’s lunchtime. So she assembles the MILF brigade to convene at the Queens for an afternoon getting sauced. 

On her way there, she tragically comes within 2m of an “undesirable” on Beaufort St. Given they both love day drinking you’d think they’d have more in common. Alas, Alexis is shook and spends the first 20minutes at the pub blaming Cloud 9 for attracting such an element. 

As often happens on a Friday, Alexis is forced to call her hubby to leave work and pick up their infant child so she can kick on. By the 4th bottle of bubbly, Alexis decides she no longer wishes to look at a couple of tradies who have popped in for a drink.

She calls a staff member over and asks about the dress code, “are filthy work boots considered neat and tidy?” She turns to her sauced up sisters, “standards are slipping in Highgate”. Infuriatingly, the men aren’t asked to leave so Alexis decides it’s time for a Mexican fiesta. 

So it’s over to El Publico to sip cocktails and annoy the living shit out of the bar staff with her late afternoon buzz. It’s a tough job being an inner-city snob but someone’s gotta do it.