Mr Kalgoorlie

Pikey moved to Kalgoorlie 20 years ago after deciding he’d had enough of Perth and debt collectors knowing his place of residence. So he embarked east to carve out a little slice of the wild west. 

He’d heard that Kalgoorlie was what you make it and for a man like Pikey that was being able to smash Jacks at 6 am while staring at norks like a hungry newborn. Life was good. 

Over time he developed a reputation as a bit of a wildman. His benders were mostly characterised by drinking like a fish and then melting more ice than global warming. Needless to say, Pikey was no stranger to a street brawl or burn-out related bingle. 

His weekends were less about partying and more about trying out for a cameo in the 2011 smash hit Kalgoorlie Cops. Although he never considered himself a menace to society. He was just a hard-working mining boy blowing off some steam. 

Years have passed and while his body has softened his spirit has not. Too old to cause any serious mayhem on the streets of Kalgoorlie, he turned his mind to joining a local crime reports page to sow his seeds of chaos. 

Even the rush he felt from punching a male backpacker for ordering a white wine didn’t compare to the joy he felt from going troppo on FB and trying to incite vigilantes over some relatively minor property crime. 

See, fighting, hooning and operating heavy machinery after 2 days being awake were victimless crimes. Pikey was a lot of things but he wasn’t a low life thief. Apart from his neighbour’s electricity for cultivating his special, al foil-covered indoor garden.

Also not including a trailer load of dirt that he felt might contain gold and was ripe for a little backyard cyanide experiment. Apart from that kind of victimless theft, Pikey held the moral high ground. A man has to live by a code after all. 

It’s Tuesday morning and Pikey starts sweating racistly when he reads a report that some Makita tools were stolen from the back of a ute. After a morning 4 pack of Devil’s Cut fails to calm him down he launches into a tirade that makes him sound a few stars short of a southern cross. 

What he lacks in evidence he makes up in rage and decides to commit yet another act of grammar-cide on his community,

“Wat a bludy joke!! AGAIN.,.we all no it that family from BouLDerr again… boulder always given Kal a bad name, who is MAN ENUFF to join me and drive up there todai????”

It’s only midday and Pikey has had to set up 2 backup FB accounts to continue his ranting after being banned for offending the community standards. He isn’t getting anywhere though so decides to get in his car and swerve his way to his mates house. 

Jimmy is one of 2 people left in Kalgoorlie that can tolerate Pikey. Partly because he’s arguably worse than Pikey and secondly because he loves free buds. Pikey storms in full to the brim with bigotry and starts “telling it like it is”. 

He stop soaking Jimmy with his rage-spittle for a moment when he notices some sweet new tools on his kitchen table, “fark noice one Jimmy, splashed out on some new Makitas did ya?

Jimmy lowers the Gatorade bottle from his lips, exhales, and laughs, “nah some muppet didn’t lock his toolbox ha ha so taught him a lesson. When will these dumb as dog turd tradies learn to lock up, then there wouldn’t be any crime”.

Pikey is still far too day drunk to make the connection. So for now, he couldn’t agree more. 

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?