Mr East Victoria Park

Samuel couldn’t believe his luck when his rental application for an East Vic Park dilapidated shoebox was accepted. Finally, he got the opportunity to pay $550 a week for a pad that an experienced cave diver would consider a little claustrophobic.

Luckily, he was able to share the rental load with a cashed-up international student that now spends her days wishing Samuel would calm down on his newly acquired love of spicy Asian dishes. Those walls are thin and Samuel’s bowels are like sound effects from a Mad Max movie.

A mere two weeks after adopting the 6101 postcode, Samuel was walking around like he had his own SBS cookery program.

He relishes in telling everyone about the authentic delights of Albany Highway and heavily implying he was better than everyone because he could butcher the pronunciation of a few more Vietnamese soups than your average caucasian.

Did it stop at exotic meals? Christ no, he also developed a $20 a day milky bubble tea habit. Partly to save his ring from the raging inferno of Mordor that his arsehole had become, and partly to try and impress some of the local Asian girls. Did he mention he thinks he can pronounce Pho perfectly?

Now, you’d think living central would inspire Samuel to explore Perth a bit more. How wrong you are you stupid piece of shit. In fact, getting Samuel to leave his beloved EVP is harder than Jaws while he’s getting his ’33 polished by a standing Oddjob.

Why you may ask? Well mostly because Samuel is going broke trying to keep his EVP foodie TikTok popping. Do you think it’s cheap to eat out twice a day for clout on the clock app?

Also because he got a little taste of traditional EVP while walking home from Oats St Station one night. It’s not all rainbows and gentrification there, buddy.

A lesson he also learned when he ventured into the forbidden lands of Bentley to try and get some cheap deals on piss at First Choice.

Needless to say, the imagery of where a man had pulled his “legal tender” from and the greasy laboratory-esque coating that was on it will never leave the sheltered lad.

Anyway, why leave EVP? The Balmoral is a short walk and that’s now the only entertainment venue he needs.

If you’re lucky he may cross the flaccid chode roundabout to go to a Vic Park pub but expect to hear about how he’d rather be back south of Kent St where the chosen ones live.

Unless of course, it’s too far down and it requires him to drive. See, Samuel fell off the uselesscunt tree and hit every branch. He now lives in fear of having to reverse parallel park. So if he’s honest, if he can’t walk to a joint on Albany Highway, he’s probably not going.

However, where Samuel will be going out to party has become largely moot after the rent on his pad got jacked up a cheeky $100 a week. It’s back to Tun lager and All Night Pizza Cafe for a while Sammy boy.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?