IN FOCUS: Jet Ski Ownership

There comes a time in every bogan’s life when they realise they need to invest in their future. So you apply for a personal loan and get ready to feel the wind through your skullet as you ride majestically on the waves.

Sure, some ignorant bean counters might class a jet ski as a “depreciating asset” but if that was the case why did you just buy a second hand one off Gumtree for close to what the seller paid 3 years ago?

You didn’t get ripped off, in fact, you’re telling people that you got one over him with your Kutta-honed bargaining skills. Especially when you made him knock off $150 because he told you that you couldn’t test it until you replaced the battery.

He assured you she worked a treat and you believed him. Why would anyone try to lie to a man wearing his best Tapout singlet to the exchange? A little trick you’ve used to navigate the second-hand Commodore market for years.

Anyway, the sheer number of topless broads waiting for you to take them for a fang more than makes up for any so-called “monetary loss”. It’s basic yewonomics.

Unfortunately, the 15 minute of half-research you did has ill-prepared you for the hidden cost train that is about to be run on your jet ski owning arse. Grab the lube because the hits just keep coming.

After realising you also need a trailer, safety equipment & rego you are beginning to wonder if you should sell some cryptocurrency to replenish the kid’s savings account you raided.

No, ignore those doubts. After all, you’ll probably make a profit once you on-sell all the kit when you upgrade.

All this extreme spending has your credit card Pepsi’d to the max but at least now you have the unlimited freedom within the state of Western Australia’s regulatory framework for PWC use.

You wonder why you need a skipper’s ticket for a vessel that you were born to ride. It’s basically an extension of your Jet Pilot boardshorts. Nevertheless, some lucky instructor will have to put up with you for an afternoon.

Enough red tape, it’s time to explore your yewwwniverse. So you load up on red cans, get your cousin’s divorced friend to wear an Australia flag bikini and hop on the back and test out your new toy off the Rocko foreshore.

Turns out you’re not a natural and your reckless aquatic hooning has caused your newest jet ski groupie to fly off and dislocate her shoulder in the process. To make matters worse, you find out the hard way that the water police take a dim view of operating a jet ski while obviously under the influence.

Nevertheless, you are no stranger to infringements and keep the jet ski dream alive. Until you take it for the first service to learn that your engine is heavily corroded and pretty much a lost cause.

Once again the snarling she-demon, Caveat Emptor, has slashed your dreams with her cruel claws.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?