Ms Father’s Day

Jessica wakes up and vomits violently all over her sheets. Not due to the ill-effects of an intoxicated stupor but rather due to it being that Clemen-time of the year again: Father’s Day.

Ever since delving into Tumblr blogs, she has grown to view the male peen as a beaming antenna of oppression and the idea of a day dedicated to celebrating her oppressors was too much to handle.

She has a few hours before the Father’s Day lunch that she plans to boycott, so her first order of business is turning the attention back onto herself, women and any other caregiver that doesn’t fall into the disgusting category of “Father”.

“the language surrounding today serves to degrade and confuse anyone, not in a binary, cis, “traditional”, nuclear family that the patriarchal enemy forces us to accept as a reality. So please, please acknowledge all the single mothers today and trans couples, today is #SPECIALPERSONSDAY oh and boycott father’s day.”

Even the Unabomber has posted things that have hurt fewer people’s eyes. In particular, her brother who is busy rushing down to Bunnings for a last minute gift.

He can’t help to remember the rambling Shakespearean sonnet of love she posted about their mother on Instagram last year. Despite the fact said mother didn’t own an Instagram account. It yielded a decent likes-haul though, so it was an objective daughterly success story of the modern age.

He gives her a call, “Oi Jessica, how much has Dad done for us and you go and post that? Didn’t seem to mind when he paid for you to exchange bodily fluids around E U R O P E, you better be ready in 1 hour when I pick you up”.

Jessica sees an opportunity to fill the wage-gap in the echo-chamber her current post had missed. She posts about her brother forcing his masculine view of the world on her, and then cites a shitload of domestic violence stats and rants about “deadbeat dads”. “This is what Father’s Day represents”.

Her brother picks her up and takes them to the folk’s house for a BBQ. They arrive, and he presents his dad with an unwrapped set of spanners. The beautiful gift brings a tear to his eye, “really appreciate this, son”. Jessica interjects, “well I didn’t get you anything, don’t you think men get enough every day?”

Jessica’s dad cackles, “oh I don’t expect gifts, just happy you’re all here, come on let’s have a drink”. This was the final straw. Jessica is livid.

How dare this privileged white patriarch patronise her with a disgusting display of oppressive HUMILITY. Just because HE is in a privileged position to not NEED a present from a GIRL.

Her brother proposes a toast to all the sacrifice their dad has made to send them to good schools, provide holidays, cars and all the other stuff a stand-up man does.

Jessica again interjects, “also, a big cheers to mum, for all those times dad couldn’t take me to netball because he was overseas, or the meals he couldn’t prepare because being a big man at work was more important”.

An awkward silence falls over the table. Jessicas usually angelic mum puts down her glass of bubbly, “oh stop being a little bitch”. Boom. Mic drop.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?