Mr Sports Bet

Like a drunk butterfly, Johnno loves a misguided flutter on the weekend. Unfortunately for his mates, that means whether or not he is acting like a total shit-punt depends entirely on how his multi is going.

In the spirit of AFL restarting, they invite him along to watch the Eagles, and he arrives suspiciously chipper. Before anyone doesn’t ask, he launches into the brilliance of his current wager which of course has more legs than a centipede’s gang-bang.

He just needs the Eagles and a horse in Kawasaki to win, and he’ll turn $100 into $5000 and put an end his current cycle of triple-bowling Mi Goreng and smashing Nimble loans until his next payday.

One of his mates plays devil’s advocate, “what do you know about Japanese horse racing mate?” Johnno is offended at the mere inference. “Mate, he has a spotless record on a soft track, and they are expecting 10mm of rain today, like Bunnings beating any competitor by 10% it’s guaranteed”. Sure.

As they watch the Eagles and Johnno celebrates each goal with the unsettling intensity of a full-time mummy at a K-Mart easter egg clearance sale. Frankly, it’s embarrassing.

Suddenly, ecstasy turns to silence as he stares at his phone in anger. It turns out his horse in Japan wasn’t a sure thing and has completely farked his multi. Like a steak knife infomercial, he enters full cutboy mode and refuses to talk to anyone for several minutes.

His friends are used to him acting like a full-on fuck-head, but weaselling out of his round by bringing up the carton he bought 2 months ago was a real low point. If he were any saltier, Sarah Jessica Parker would come and lick him for breakfast.

He disappears into the darkness of a nearby TAB and returns 40 minutes later with a shit-eating grin on his face. He had a minor win on the Greyhounds and had temporarily de-fuck-headified himself, “I’m back boys, now I just need this horse to come good in Roehill…”

Lucky them.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?