After just one short week in Melbourne, Lauren can’t stop flicking her coffee bean of pretentiousness in public. It’s the only way you heathens are going to learn.

Unfortunately, she has to reside in WA; in her mind, it’s the uncultured backwater that flows into the Blend 43 of Australia – Perth.

On Thursday morning the work experience whips around the office for a coffee run. Lauren composes herself, “I’d better come with you darling”. On their walk, Lauren explains to the kid how she is a higher bean and has evolved an ability to enjoy a coffee more than every other human on Earth.

She grimaces as she walks past Coffee Club, “no sweetie, I know a little place, it’s the ONLY place in Perth that can ALMOST do a good short pour”. Now, Lauren hasn’t done a barista course, but in addition to Melbourne she has also been to Milan and owns a De’Longhi espresso machine at home, so she knows exactly what she’s talking about, OK?

The barista’s heart sinks, and she sees Lauren thunder into his shop, “here we go” he mutters, and she starts up with her bullshit. “The usual espresso darling, 7 grams of the 30/70 blend, tampered properly with just a pinch of sugar”. She turns to the work experience kid, “I would never dream of asking for sugar in Milan, but you just can’t trust Perth cafes”.

Lauren takes a sip and starts frothing like an overfilled mug of cuntacino, and while still in audible distance to the barista snarls, “typical, the beans are burnt, this would never happen in Melbourne”.

They get back to the office, and the boss looks bewildered, “a coffee run? No need, I just bought a new machine”. Lauren lady-gushes seven times. “The new Sage by Heston? A De’Longhi? Gather everyone I can give them a tutorial now”.

The boss takes a deep breath, “we decided to keep it simple and went for one of those Nespresso pod machines”. Lauren clutches her chest and storms into the break room to stare at the hideous a-pod-ination like it was ranga in a sperm donation clinic.

The horror.