Ms Coffee Snob

After just one short week in Melbourne, Simone can’t stop flicking her coffee bean of pretentiousness in public. It’s the only way you heathens are going to learn that there is a right way, a wrong way and a Simone way to drink coffee.

Unfortunately, she has to reside in WA; in her mind, it’s the uncultured backwater that flows into the Blend 43 of Australia – Perth. Despite the Perth coffee scene coming leaps & bounds, Lauren refuses to change. Ironic, you’d think.

On Thursday morning the work experience whips around the office for a coffee run. She composes herself, “I’d better come with you, I’m very particular about my order and simply cannot be dealing with bad coffee!”

On their walk, Simone explains to the kid how she is a higher bean and has evolved an ability to enjoy a coffee more than every other human on Earth.

She grimaces as she walks past Coffee Club, “no sweetie, I know a little place, it’s the ONLY place in Perth that can ALMOST do a good short pour, I say almost because PERTH obviously”.

Now, Simone hasn’t done a barista course, but in addition to visiting Melbourne she has also been to Milan and owns an Aeropress at home, so she knows exactly what she’s talking about, OK?

The barista’s heart sinks, and she sees Simone thunder into his shop, “here we go” he mutters, and she starts up with her bullshit.

“The usual espresso darling, 7 grams of the 30/70 blend, tampered properly with just a pinch of sugar”. She turns to the work experience kid, “I would never dream of asking for sugar in Milan, but you just can’t trust Perth cafes”.

Simone takes a sip and starts frothing like an overfilled mug of cuntacino, and while still in audible distance to the barista snarls, “typical, the beans are burnt, this would never happen in Melbourne”.

They get back to the office, and Simone’s supervisor comes over, “a coffee run? Save your money, I just bought a new machine for the office. It’s been a tough year and a good cup of bean juice is whate everyone needs right now”.

Simone lady-gushes seven times. “The new Sage by Heston? A De’Longhi? Aeropress? Cold drip? Gather everyone I can give them a tutorial now”.

The boss takes a deep breath, “we decided to keep it simple and went for one of those Nespresso pod machines”.

Simone clutches her chest and storms into the break room to stare at the hideous a-pod-ination like it was ranga in a jizz donation clinic. The horror.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?