PETA epitomises the notion that a messenger can ruin the message. They depict anyone who seeks to commoditise animals as being as sinister as Paul Robinson sodomising Harold Bishop while wearing a mask made from Toadie’s skin. They line the road to self-righteousness with grotesque billboards, and in the process, they trick their own ethical GPS into ignoring the other paths to get to where we all want to be: a humane world.

Life changed for Lucy after she saw her beloved Khloe Kardashian pose for a PETA anti-fur advertisement. Overnight she became an expert on all aspects of the fur industry after watching a series of shocking videos on the PETA website. The seed was planted and then she stumbled upon a meme showing a chicken farm being compared to a concentration camp, “to animals, all people are Nazis”. With the “share” of the meme and the slap of the PETA bumper sticker, she had become a full-blown PETArded hypocrite.

Before heading to her friend’s house, she pats her cat, takes her birth control pill, jumps in daddies leather-seated BMW and releases toxic fumes into a nearby birds nest with the gentle press of her Ugg booted foot. Of course, none of this shit counts, because it’s not convenient to declutter her life of such cruelty-commodities. Nope, she is still a staunch PETAfile, as she can’t afford fur and is not likely to order a few shots of bear bile while de-tusking a majestic elephant. Don’t believe her? She has the memes to prove it!

She receives a notification as she walks towards her friend front door. One of her carrot-dildo’ing moon unit mates has tagged her in a new PETA meme, “Did You Know Milk Causes Autism?” Her e-cunt-lopedic knowledge of animal cruelty just grew broader, and she has taken one step closer to actually being the Vegan she claims to be. She walks into a stomach-churning scene, her BEST FRIEND is drinking a coffee with the forcefully extracted milk of her bovine compatriots! “Um, that is totally disgusting, cow milk is cruel and did you know that it is linked to autism?”

Her friend feels surprisingly non-autistic after swigging her delicious flat white. “Shut up Lucy, I’m fucking sick of your ignorant shit”. Lucy storms out in a rage. She calls an emergency brunch with her PETA mate at the Raw Kitchen in Freo. A scene almost unfolds when her shoeless friend spots her Ugg boots, “Please, see this meme before you decide to keep wearing those Lucy”. She shows her a disgraceful dig at Australian wool shearers, “this is the rest of your jumper”. Wool has made the list. She takes a photo of her barbaric boots and posts on Facebook, “if you wear Ugg boots then you may as well have the bloodied corpse of a hacked up lamb on your feet! #PETA #Vegan #SayNoToCruelty”.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?