Ms Euro Trip

The build-up to Alice’s 1 month Euro trip puts Darude Sandstorm to shame. Each day a new reminder that she’s about to live la dolce vita and you’re stuck behind your desk like a broke pleb.

Of course, her trip isn’t funded by her own hard work, as it is by father for maintaining an almost-credit average in her token Notre Dame degree. P’s get degrees and fancy trips across the seas.

She goes hard with bi-weekly request for “recommendations” for exotic cities she probably won’t even visit. She doesn’t even look at the replies as this is about showing everyone she has exceeded the limits of human achievement and booked a plane ticket all by herself. Utter beastmode. 

To further educate you uncultured swine on the basic requirements of international travel, she uploads a picture of her boarding pass and passport in the departure lounge. The nation thanks Alice and every other millennial traveller for this service or we might just forget.

Upon arriving in France Alice immediately checks in to Paris with the same caption she’ll use for every city, “Bonjour Paris, I am in you!” 

It is unlikely Paris is saying bonjour back as Alice has fallen into the same trap as every Aussie traveller and assumed the world likes Australians.

It doesn’t. When it comes to the pleasantness of being “in you” Alice rates somewhere between a parasitic worm and a burst franger full of coke in a mule’s lower intestine. 

Her time with Sail Croatia was truly inspired. Claiming in every caption to love what Croatia is about despite the fact she spent the entire week hurling she-burley into the ocean with not a single Croation person aboard. Nice.

Next on the agenda is Greece, as Alice really wants to nail a few key photos with the historic sites. Of course, in the interest of being a respectful tourist, she accompanies every photo of her flashing a cultural site with her tits with a caption saying how#blessed she is to be standing next to it. Life is about balance. 

After Athens, she is on to the Greek Islands to help fill the streets with stomach bile and get as many pictures of herself in a bikini as humanly possible, after all those stunning vistas make her arse look “thicc AF hehe”. 

Alice really felt a connection to the Greek Islands, there is something about habitual vomiting and posing for photos that makes Alice feel like she’s living the life of a professional model. 

After just 3 regrettable hookups, 5 calls home for extra cash and a mild mental breakdown when she had to throw used toilet paper in a bin next to the toilet, Alice is done with Europe. All that is left is to upload gigabytes worth of travel photos to Zucc’s wank bank.

Of course, the large folders serve as an Oasis on social media attracting the thirstiest gronks from far and wide to hydrate themselves in Alice’s wanderlust.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?