Ms Gosnells

Kailee can’t believe Koby broke up with her. She sits around in Juicy hot pants and soaks up pity like a skank-sponge in an ashtray full of Passion Pop. She was certain that lying to Koby about being preggers was going to lead her down a Balinese beach to stand next to her man and say “I Yew”. Instead, Koby dropped her faster than Rolf Harris picks up the soap.

To cheer herself up, she hops in her Barina and pulls a few cones through a 75-day old Powerade-bong. She nestles into her Playboy seats and heads to Chemist Warehouse for a spot of shoplifting before heading to the Gosnell’s Hotel to try and woo a new neck tatted Romeo. She likes to pinch the kind of make-up worn by a girl un-phased by a cheeky wrong-holing on the back of a defaulted payment Jet Ski.

While scoping out the staff, Kailee spots a girl she “done seen” in one of Koby’s recent profile photos on Facebook. She charges towards the woman she unreasonably believes to be honking Koby’s bulb and confronts her in a scene all too reminiscent of a best of Jerry Springer highlight reel.

“They’re my juices you’re fucking tasting on Koby’s dick bitch”. An awkward silence falls over the Chemist Warehouse like someone just detonated a white trash bomb of classless proportions. The young woman is horribly shamed by the public display and attempts to leave. Not Kailee though, she was born into shame, moulded by it, and lands a Supre jewellery rattling blow across the young girls face.

Kailee decides to bail from the scene and lay low with her sister for the evening. She swings by Hungry Jacks to pick up some Whoppers for her sister’s young derrolings and then to the bottlo for a 6 pack of Pineapple UDLs and two packs of darts. The Gozzie girls are’a smoking tonight! Her sister answers the door in a pair of Adidas tracksuit pants and a faux-fur white hoody with matching fake Ugg Boots.

After 3 cans of UDL, Kailee decides to air her grievances on Facebook, “If anyone see Koby tell him i yoked th slut ! lol Yewwwwwww as he wuld say haha! yeh not so pretty now ay anywy fuck u koby u small dick nobody, yok yous too lol wat kinda man ditches her preggo missues lol weakdog”. She hits post and then basks in the ignorant glow of cretinous attention seeking.

Within moments a mutual friend fires off a truth missile from behind his out of focus profile pic, “stop talking shit Kailee, you told everyone at Robbos last week you made that preggo shit up”. She spends the remainder of her night furiously defending herself like an anti-vaxxer in a Youtube comments section. The battle leaves Kailee furious, and her rebuttals eventually simmer down to the pitiful battle cry of the downtrodden, “you don’t know my story”.

Koby’s mate sends him a screenshot of the kerfuffle, and he almost spills his Toohey’s Extra Dry in shock, “farrrrk shes not pregnant!” He thinks long and hard about his former lovers deceit and decides on the most reasonable plan of action. He picks up his phone and fires off a greasy text message, “lyin 2 me is bit shit ay, but fark ur not preggos so lets root ay?”

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?