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Mr Rockingham

Dieson has the Rocko look. Fake Gucci sunnies, a mullet, Nike Air Max, Unit apparel and more ink on his body than a Japanese pornstar trying to gangbang a shoal of squid.

Unsure what to do with his FIFO redundancy, Dieson decides to invest in his future and buy a second hand, Harley. Not a wise investment? You just wait until the bikies accept him.

Alas, they won’t, even though he is more desperate for a patch than a pack a day smoker on a direct flight to London. Why? Because if floggery was an art Dieson would be Cuntlo Picasso and his personality would have its own wing at Le Louvre.

Last time he saw some bikies at the Swinging Pig he decided to show them why he’d be a great fit by taking on a couple of Hi-Vis’d Maoris. The “I’ll make you piss” tables turned and Dieson’s month-long recovery urinating through a catheter failed to impress the 1%’ers.

Feeling depressed, Dieson decides to take his family on a holiday to a place where everyone acknowledges he is a boss – Bali.

Now, we hear a lot about GMO’s, but Dieson’s toddler was a GDO: a genetically disadvantaged organism that was raised on the principles of parental neglect. To make matters worse, his misso missed the memo about drinking during pregnancy. After all, UDLs are only 4%, right?

Accordingly, the youngin’ behaved like an entire amateur suburban footy team on the flight over to Kuta. The flight attendant’s pleaded with Dieson to secure his child for landing. However, all Dieson and his misso could hear was the annoying whine or someone telling them to do “somefink”.

The staunch fuse had been lit, and this bad boy was going to blow. Dieson and his misso launch into a rant so foul it’d make an Armadale junkie’s dickcheese seem like a wheel of fresh brie. To accompany the profane chorus they flail around like your white uncle after “Mustang Sally” comes on at the RSL.

The behaviour is so bad it almost forces the pilot to turn the plane around. Next comes a week in Bali that explains why they want to execute us over an ounce of weed. Bintang fueled loutery, and a hotel room filled delivered Maccas.

On their return to Denpasar Airport, they are advised by Jetstar staff that their booking has been cancelled and they are banned from the airline. Dieson isn’t happy with the outcome and the red mist of entitlement begins to fog his decision-making abilities.

“Fuck this shit”, Dieson contacts the highest court in Australia: A Current Affair. He tells the “journalists” that he and his family are stranded in Bali because of the ash cloud of toddler intolerance.

“These dogs cancelled out flight cos our youngin’ kicked off, he’s just a kid ay.”

You should never bluff when playing the victim card and just one truthful statement, and a bit of footage from the airline makes Dieson look like the creepy crawly at the bottom of the knuckle-dragger gene pool.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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