In the age of Instagram, a modelling career can be as simple as paying some balding ham & sleaze sandwich $500.00 to take underwear shots of you in his filthy cretin-den. Any star can shine among a galaxy of basic-bitch selfies, so Instagram models fiercely strut down the catwalk to the sound of Insta-masturbaters screen-shotting. Bravo.

Most Instagram followers are just chair-sniffers you haven’t met. Claudia uses this fact to her advantage and uploads a photo of her wearing Victoria’s Secret from her recent Insta-shoot. She captions the shot, “Vic Secret Girl 😉 #victoriassecret #lingerie #blessed #naughtybutnice #fashion #fashiohshoot”. The caption is as ambiguous as Robin Thicke’s stance on consensual sex. Enough hairy-knuckled chode-wackers will be fooled into thinking she has some commercial relationship with Victoria’s Secret. Claudia’s desired inference.

She leaves her phone on her bed as she goes to mix up a delicious Isagenix health shake. On her return, she sees the soothing Instagram notification icon on her screen. She salutes an “If you can’t love me at my worst” Marilyn Monroe poster hanging on her wall and checks her Insta: a like and comment from some bloke from Bangladesh, “oh wow so hot, hey follow me”. She is so mad that she spills her Isagenix on her pink Ugg boots. She spent like… $50 on this shot! Seconds later he receives a text message from her brother, “stop being such a skank or I’m unfollowing you, sis”.

The photos lack of Insta-success has left her more disgruntled than a bus driver cleaning up a paint-huffers vomit on a Friday afternoon. She catches up with a friend at Health Freak Cafe over a mouthwatering kale smoothie. “I just don’t get it, babes, I look so hot in the shots, but Chadwicks still haven’t contacted me”. Her friend gives the sort of bad advice you would expect from Oscar Pistorius if he was your marriage counsellor, “babes, just keep doing what you’re doing, you will totes make it”.

Claudia storms home, reborn in deluded afterbirth she chooses the raciest shot from her insta-shoot, a cleavage shot where she is licking her lip. She confidently uploads it with a b-grade erotic poster tagline, “he loves me, he loves me not 😉 #seductiveeyes #afternoondelight #lingerie #victoriassecret #fashion #fashiohshoot”. 100 likes within the first hour, all from inbox sex-pests and her brothers most reptilian friends. She posts a status devoid of self-awareness: “great shoot the other day, modelling is tough work #LyfeMadeBitches”.

You have to spend money to make money, and so far her amateur modelling career has cost her $5000. It can’t be said that it’s a failed venture though as she has secured plenty of topless waitress work from the shots. Who knows, maybe next month she will get a call up to be a V8 supercar grid girl, An undisputed dream of any Insta-model.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

$