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Mr Newly Single

Chantelle grew tired of walking all over Simon like a crusty doormat. She yearned to get jiggy with a fresher prince and gave Simon his marching orders.

Just like that she freed his willy back into the deep end of the dating ocean. Now is he Dcunto Unchained and without the familiar crack of the whip, he is bewildered by his new freedom. Oh, the D & O are silent…

The prodigal mate fires off a group text to the lads on a chilly Wednesday morning, “let’s get on it tonight, lads”. He later rocks around to his mate Tom’s house with a carton of Cooper’s Sparkling and a burning desire for some bonding.

Within minutes of entering he says, “so, I’m back on the market lads”, Tom tactfully replies, “so who dumped who?” Simon lies, “ah, mutual kinda thing you know? No one ended it really”, translation: she dumped him.

Simon gets fuck-eyed as he desperately tries to reignite the banter that had been lost due to his shameful soft-cockery. “Oi, got an idea lads, lets hit the town Friday and bring some girls back”, Cooper’s Sparkling trickles down his chin as he continues, “we’ll just hit & quit em, yeh, the boys are back in town!

A week ago, he didn’t even remember his mates exist, now, he’s acting like Dan Blizerian and wanting to form a pussy-poaching brigade and make dirty dealings with his little ivory horn.

The weekend comes, and Simon is talking a big game. It’s going to be like the old days – the band is back together etc. Things start out well but soon deteriorate.

Within an hour, Simon is hauled up in a corner talking to some girl about her University timetable and how her ex is a total pig. Minutes turn into hours, as Simon agrees with everything she says.

He eventually catches up with his mates, “don’t worry dudes, ditched her, bros before hoes amiright?!?” The air of scepticism is thick. It’s not long before Simon disappears.

The next morning, Simon heads around to his mate’s house in the morning to grab his shit. They ask, “we still on for golf today?

Simon takes a deep breath, “can’t today, that girl I met last night has a rent inspection, and I’m gonna help her clean up”.

For fuck’s sake Simon

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