Back in 2010, Samara got the niggling feeling that her friends thought she was a narcissistic like-whore. Her constant showy social media posts were about as deep & meaningful as a faded motivational poster in the back room of an asbestos-ridden primary school condemned for demolition. She prayed to the church of exhibitionism and was visited by the holy spirit of narcissism: “attach #blessed to everything my child, now go in peace”.

Samara now roams Perth as a #blessed discipline, spreading the good word of how wholesome and utterly sick her life is. She snaps a selfie of her sitting in her Mini Cooper in full Lorna Jane fitness gear, “so thankful for my health and fitness #blessed #inspo #cleanliving #fitness”. She chooses a majestic filter and uploads the photo. Did she go for a run? Nah, she was far too scattered from snorting coke off the boner of some Middle Eastern man-gunt with a comb-over who told her he had connections over at Chadwicks Modelling Agency. Wholesome, Sister Samara.

Samara doesn’t feel bad that she deceived her flock of jelly-bishes and insta-masturbaters, after all, her posts are like modern-day parables: it’s the message behind them that gives people #inspo and makes them #believe they are truly #blessed. A thought not lost on her as she finally starts work selling her friends fashion label from a website her father paid top dollar for. She brews a green tea and smears some ricotta on some Cruskits. This blessing is truly a gift, and it would be sacrilegious not to share, “quick snack in prep for a hectic day #OwnBoss #WhatisSleep? #selfmade #blessed”.

It turns out that blowing hairy chodes and selling garbs doesn’t rack enough fat stacks to pay for her upcoming insta-trip to India. She needs extra cash so she can inspire her flock with motivational updates about spirituality, yoga and the woes of the impoverished slumdogs. Of course, she will also need a bit of coin to afford the best pingers in Goa as she slut-grinds all over the modesty of the great land.

However, she is #blessed and knows the answer to her cash flow problems is as simple as a Facebook post, “It’s easy to #WorkFromHome with #isagenix! Build residual income and quit your 9 to 5! Message me to get started! #residual #Retireby30 #blessed #believe”.

Samara, the only thing you inspire by ramming your life down our throats is a pre-cummy gag reflex that can be categorised as #unpleasant.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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