Lizzie realised how little everyone else was doing for the environment when she was given a Keep Cup for her birthday. What a revelation, her conservational brilliance had been bottled up like a truckload of Evian water, and if any coffee cup using chin-drip wanted a taste, they’d have to get on their knees.
Her first port of call was establishing environmental dominance in the office. She positions the cup on her desk to guarantee maximum visibility from any angle. Every time someone notices it she gets off a bit, and her Murray-Darling basin gushes again. Unfortunately for the rest of us, the fishy stank of superficiality lingers in the shallow pools of her delusions.
It’s Thursday morning, and Lizzie overhears some caffeine addicts discussing a coffee run. She cannot let this opportunity go to waste. She leaps into the pack and leads the way, brandishing her cup like the Olympic Torch. Stay behind her, polluters, and experience what it’s like to walk in the footsteps of a fucking champion.
Lizzie sees this social outing as a “teachable moment” and barges to the counter, “half shot, soy latte, extra hot with half a sugar thanks, oh and you can put it in this cup”. She looks around to make sure everyone saw how it was done. Does she stop there? Don’t be fucking stupid.
She proceeds to hold up the line and “joke” loudly with the barista about how they should stop serving people who don’t use a keep cup, “it’s like 2020, time to stop destroying the environment, keep up guys! He he”. Oh, shut the fuck up Lizzie, if you lined up every straw you used in 2019 it would reach back in time, and you could do a line off Neil Armstrong’s space stiffy.
This has been a very smug-cessful outing for Lizzie. Well, it would have been if it wasn’t for the new kid dropping a bombshell. He is last to order his coffee and pulls out his own keep cup. She patronises him, “oh, *just* got one did you, that’s good for you darling”. He replies, “had it for years, no big deal, this one’s great though because they donate half to a Guatemalan sea turtle fund”.
Lizzie snarls, “yeh well, those charities are usually corrupt, anyway, I donate to Sumo orangutans”. He replies, “you mean Sumatran? That’s great Liz, we’re all in this together”. Unsettled thoughts go through Lizzie’s head, “Oh, no we fucking aren’t you total pencil dick – I’M THE ONE WHO CARES”.
Lizzie storms off and leaves her stinky keep cup on the office sink for someone else to wash. It’s the least they can do.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?