Verge collection time offers you a chance to rid your house of unloved items; however, it also means you’ll be seeing Brian’s piece of shit Ford station wagon creep around at an “I’m about to proposition you for an alleyway gobby” pace.

It’s 10:30pm when Brian stumbles upon a mass of neatly stacked boxes outside a Hamilton Hill property. He enters a state of scavenge-lust as he rips through boxes in a frenzied search for kitchen appliances, furniture and perhaps even his self-respect.

He leaves the front lawn looking like an Englishman’s teeth and drives off empty-handed into the night. Just like any parasitic organism, Brain is undeterred and continues to look for another host property to suck the sweet drippings of free shit out of.

At around midnight, he stumbles upon another property in a poorly lit area. Not to worry, he’ll just blast his high beams and light up the owner’s house like a HiLux after a ram raid. He rummages through the waste while the elderly couple tries to sleep through the aurora cuntealis shining through their bedroom window.

He finishes his search at around 2am and returns home to examine his bounty. A T.V that doesn’t work, a piss stained throw cushion and an old whipper snipper that would be as useful in thick vegetation as Bernard Tomic. Like the true pillar of sustainability he is, he ditches the useless trash on someone else’s lawn. Not his problem.

Like a meth-addicted Eskimo that dropped his last shard, Brian never stops looking. He sets out the next night and spots the holy grail: an old set of Test Match cricket. He opens the game’s box and notices quite a few pieces are missing.

Despite it being 11pm, Brian does not hesitate to knock on the door. A sleepy tradesman answers, “what do you want?” Brian holds up the box, “reckon you could have a look for the bowler? Sets incomplete, also give us a hand with that wardrobe would ya?”

The tradesmen immediately starts the breathing exercises he learned from working with criminals up north in an attempt not to choke Brian to death with his bare hands.

Before heading out the next night, Brian is offended by a local community group’s FB post complaining about kerb-crawlers. He ever so subtly charges into the conversation defending his people.

“Yeh whats wrong with a man tryna to recycle whttt society THRUS AWAY!!! U shld all be shamed of urself for callen out these heros, plus why cant a man asks another man for helpen hand rhese days?”

Your behaviour could be deemed beneficial to Brian if you weren’t as useless as the prick who got “heart” in Captain Planet.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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