Kath is the sort of full-time mummy that will decry Coles for profiteering with 15c plastic bags, but happily spend $30 each trip to try and secure a sea-turtle throat lozenge from the My Little Shop Miniature Range. Suburban life is about contrasts. 

So far, Kath has 28 pieces and according to her intense Facebook ranting, Coles’ are dogs for creating a supply shortage and thus forcing her to continue buying $30 of frozen food products every shop. Well, no shit – it’s almost like this is a marketing stunt designed to drive up revenue after bag-ageddon.

You see, Kath knows that it’s far easier to send the family budget into chaos than teach her little entitlings the concept of “no”. Although to be fair, while young Methan and D’erissa merciless whinge about missing a tiny White King, Kath has become quite attached to the range herself. 

How attached? Well, let’s just say she made a difficult decision to liberate a couple of Dollarmites from the captivity of young Methan’s Dreamsaver account. A sacrifice to be sure, but in the pursuit of useless pieces of fucking shit, everyone must do their bit. 

To complete the collection she posts a photo of her spare toys and proposes a swap on FB Marketplace. She manages to swap a Vicks Vapor Rub for a Vanish Stain Remover – but that crafty White King still eludes her. An unscrupulous cretin senses her desperation and offers a straight sell – $100. 

Kath still has a few more plays left from the queening-hand book and declines the extortionate offer. Adding he should be “ashamed of himself” as young Methan hasn’t stopped crying in 2 weeks. Like a Thai cave diver, she knows she needs to sink low to pull off a miracle, so she marches down to Belmont Forum. 

While paying for the weeks 5th haul, she stands over the check out chick, “I know you’ve got the White King back there”. She squeaks, “no ma’am they are random”. Kath leans over the counter and staunches the child, “I always get what I want”. Thanks to this appaling display Kath manages to join the non-exclusive club of people escorted from Belmont Forum while pulling a Michael-Gardiner-3-hour-coke-wank expression. 

Defeated, she storms home and agrees to pay $100 for the White King. She has the complete set but the euphoric ecstasy soon turns methy when Kath reveals her master plan. She snatches the entire collection away from her kids and posts a photo on Facebook Marketplace – “ful set COLES MINI RANGE – $1500”.

Well, there goes the last chance of alien life wanting to make contact with us.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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