Ms “We’re Pregnant!”

Mel has finally moulded Jason into parental material, and much like the father to be, a spineless organism managed to wiggle its way inside of Mel’s cave of poonery.

All relevant people know, but Mel just can’t sleep at night knowing that a bunch of Farmvillers she doesn’t speak to are not aware of her awesome fertility.

She makes Jason dress up like he was going to a 2nd cousin’s Christening and gets her brother to take a picture of them kneeling down by the oven with a hot cross bun sitting photogenically in the centre. BUN IN THE OVEN. GET IT!

She is inundated with that like & comment-love that she so sorely needs for this act of natural reproduction. Are you all done watching the Mel & Jason show? Not by a long shot fucko. As you check your mailbox, you have been formally invited to a gender reveal party.

Typically it’s during the Eagles game, as Jason’s mates look sadly at the TV that is not allowed to be turned on during dinner parties, normal parties, wine nights or any other occasion where Mel can update social media with a cringey “I’m adulting :P” post.

“So boys, just letting you know that since WE are pregnant, Jason won’t drinking alcohol either”. Jason stands there more whipped than a Filipino 457 worker in Gina Rinehart’s daydream. “Yeh nah lads, off the sauce for a bit, but you guys have a cold one for me ay”.

Melissa, “oh I’m sorry OUR pregnancy is such a chore”, she storms off to greet some more guests. One of Jason mates lowkey wisecracks, “didn’t know you could knock someone up without a dick”. Jason hears, but Jason doesn’t react, Jason is dead inside.

A few notes on the decoration of the party: it looks like the Riddler took a break from tormenting Batman to throw a surprise consent party for Rolf Harris. Loads of different baby shit stuck to walls with a distinct question mark theme.

Mel gets giddy with excitement as she announces the first clue. Jason is ordered to drag out a large bunch of yellow helium balloons. They float away. Confusion breaks out, wtf gender is yellow?

Next up, a cake is brought out, Mel tells everyone, “so the next clue is IN the cake he he”. She squeals as she orders Jason to cut a big slice, the suspense is killing everyone, the cake is green. Fuckin’ green?

Mel is loving the attention. “OK guys last clue, Jason, do one of those burn car thingys in the Prius”. Jason lightly revs and a flume of orange puffs from the exhaust.

One of his mates is wisecracks again, “is she giving birth to the Teletubbies or some shit?” She gives him an ocular curb stomping.

After the clues Mel gets everyone’s attention, “so as you have noticed, we haven’t used pink or blue, because me and Jason (just her) have decided that our little bundle of joy will decide their own gender when the time is right!”

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?