5 Creatures You Will Encounter on Facebook Marketplace

The philosophy behind Marketplace is simple – humans are prepared to wade through a sewer of shit to find the occasional gold ring that got flushed.

They thought that buyers & sellers having to use their personal accounts would improve accountability. They were wrong and it’s us who must pay for their hubris. 

The “is this still available” ghost – these scavengers drift through Marketplace like apparitions that can only make contact with the human world by sending the template message “is this still available”. Once they have established connection from their drongo-plane they will vanish and never be heard from again.

If you’re really lucky they will manifest themselves back into your inbox several weeks later, once again only wanting to know, is your item still available. Spooky.

Time waster – this is a solid 95% of people on the app. You must first dance the dirty tango of the parasite with them.

If you said pick up only, they’ll want it delivered for free. If you said price firm, they’ll lowball you 80%. It’s a war of attrition and they want you to cave. After several days, you can’t take it anymore and in a moment of weakness strike a deal with them.

Will they arrive when they say they will? No. Will they be home if you drop it off? Maybe but will they have the correct change? Hell no. Again, they only win when you give up. 

Person flogging off stolen shit – Marketplace is where shame goes to die. Of course, a second hand iPhone or a Dyson is a perfectly normal thing to sell. However, once you have a quick look at their profile, it becomes apparent not is all that it seems. 

Perhaps it’s the “only God can judge me” profile banner. Perhaps it’s the multiple listings of expensive items that you’ve seen reported stolen on community pages.

Perhaps it’s the photo on their timeline of themselves playing a little melody on the sweet puff piccolo. Either way, you suspect these goods are tainted. 

Girl selling her entire wardrobe – some girls just can’t live with the social shame of being caught wearing the same Kookai dress twice. Or perhaps a slow month on OnlyFans means her AfterPay payments are fast encroaching on her lifestyle. 

It’s especially heartwarming when they are from the western suburbs. After all, she needs the $15 for an old pair of shorts more than St Vinnys do. Her clothes are too good for op-shops, you peasant. 

Person stretching the definition of “antique” – this seller reckons they can just slap a word like “antique”, “retro” or “collectible” on whatever piece of trash they are selling to demand triple its worth. They are banking on people mistaking “old” with “good” and “terrible condition” with “distressed”.

Unfortunately, enough people think like this so the economy of turditure wrapped in glitter continues. 

For more Facebook scum: Neighbourhood Groups

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?