5 Tips For An Utterly Regrettable New Year’s Eve

Put the Night on a Pedestal  – the Earth has gone to all that effort of making a full rotation around the sun so you should spend hundreds on a night that fails to deliver so often, that it may as well be called AusPost.

The Mandatory 2023 Social Media Reflection – There are two #basic paths you can take on your reflection post.

You can use it as a way to rub the smug-shit of your success in everyone’s face for one last time or alternatively, you can use it to simply blame “2023” on the fact you made less progress than Ghislaine Maxwell’s recently set up babysitting business.

Bore People with Your #newyearnewme Resolution – If the entirety of 2023 wasn’t long enough to become a better person, the 1 day jump to 2024 is all you will need to completely change.

The key is convincing other people you are going to stick to your bullshit, so keep them on the edge of their seats about your plans to sign up to a gym or open a fucking savings account. You’re a total inspiration.

Snapchatting the Countdown is More Important than Experiencing It – If you couldn’t get over the excitement of a room full of people counting to 10 and then yewing fear not, because every single story on your Snapchat and Instagram will be a blow by blow account of it, some might even include fireworks.

That is essentially how the countdown will be spent, millions of people filming footage that no one will ever want to watch. Killin’ it.

Getting Home – Better start sucking up to that non-drinking friend you normally avoid like a warm patch in a public pool. Ubers will be sur-chaaaarging like a bull at a matador prolapse ward and Taxis have no doubt added another button that quadruples your fare for no reason.

You could try Perth’s famous public transport system if you are prepared to enter the mobile UFC octagon cage which will ultimately leave you stranded at a closer, yet equally inconvenient location to your abode. 

RELATED: Perth Man Who Has Never Enjoyed New Year’s Eve Getting Amped For Another Shocker tonight

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