The Kmart Mummy

K-Mart is the mecca of full-time mummies who gleefully brag about blowing $500 from the family budget when they only wanted a throw rug or some equally pointless bullshit. 

Of all her shambolic house-hacks, it’s her obsession with using shelves for their intended purpose and calling them “stations” that give her hubby an eye twitch. She has them for coffee, spice, pet food, shoes, you name it, her house has more shitty stations than the Armadale line.

Now, you don’t rise to the top of the K-Mart food chain without making a few enemies, and Denise has destroyed more mummies than Brendan Fraser. Mummies that dared talk trash about her house hacks, mummies that out-shone her own kitschy household horror shows, mummies that refused to kiss the K-Mart ring. 

She ruled the roost until she was unceremoniously de-admin’d from one of the major pages after a dispute over putting marble contact over a K-Mart table; a hack that had all the class of a general admission-filly hitching up her Supre dress and popping a squat at an Ascot urinal. 

She is now in the process of re-consolidating her power and has set up a rival page. She appoints herself sole admin and writes the Tolstoy’s War and Peace of FB page rules. If you want to be a part of her community, you will live and die by these page rules. 

In a show of strength, Denise decides to post a new K-Mart house hack: repurposing a screw & nail holder to be a compartmentalised lunchbox for her hubby: that’s right, Denise just dropped the mic on all the wannabe domestic goddesses following her. When it comes to hacks, this puts an African warlord to shame. 

One of her new members dares question her authority, “hey Denise that’s really cute! I think I saw that on Kmart Mums Australia last week”. Oh, snap, Denise swoops in harder than a Magpie during nesting season, 

“ADMIN HERE, How dare you to accuse me of theft!!!!!!!! Clearly, you need to re-read the page RULES!!!!!!! We don’t need that sort of negativity around here, especially when your OWN HOUSE and CHILDREN look disgusting!!!!”

Mummies eager to sit alongside Denise on the adminship throne join in and search the victim’s FB profile for any evidence of shithouse hacks or ugly children. By the end of the 2-day campaign, the new member deletes her FB and cries herself to sleep every night. Don’t step to the K-Mart queen if you’re just a Red Dot pawn, bitch. 

Being an admin in a K-Mart FB group is more important than ever, especially with the upcoming X-Mas rush that will really sort out the K-Mart wheat from the Big W chaff.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?