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The Northbridge Bouncer

Friday night, fight night. Jase begins his daily routine: an injection of anabolic steroids followed by blowing thick clouds while trying to staunch out his own reflection in the mirror.

He beats his chest like a deranged King Kong and grins maniacally at his reflection. He watches his favourite scene from Roadhouse to get ready for night’s festivities.

It’s almost 6 pm, time to start the war. He pulls up in his SS Commodore to an inner-city pub that has the kinda clientele that pisses him off – young professionals. He does some MMA warm-ups in the car park before charging towards his post.

A young, well-dressed group approaches the entrance and gets their ID’s ready. Jase isn’t fooled by their polite ruse. He hunches down and gets into the face of the perceived group leader, “how much have you had to drink, son?”

The man politely informs him that he has just finished work and is as sober as a bird. Jase is perplexed and angered by the analogy, he puts his meaty hand on the man’s chest, “you’re not getting in tonight, on ya bike son”.

For the remainder of the evening, Jase has one thing on his mind – confiscating drugs so he can later sell them. He spots a young man doing the unmistakable nod towards the toilet door to his mate. Like an ice-leopard, he stalks his prey.

He slips into the bathroom as the two men enter the cubicle together. He’s got em. He bangs on the door and informs the men to come out now or he’s calling the police. Naturally, the young men panic and comply.

You’d think the least you could do after rolling a dude for his bag is let him stay in the venue. Not on Jase’s watch. He likes to watch the world burn. He evicts the two blokes and tells them he’ll be turning the bag over to the cops. A lie so bold it would cause Pinocchio to penetrate Geppetto from downstairs.

It’s now 2 am and Jase is getting agitated by the lack of action he’s had tonight. He decides to take a lap of the venue and engage in a demented staring contest with any man who dares look his way.

He sees a bloke chatting up a girl he’d be leering at all night so decides arbitrarily evicting this man will be a good laugh. The Menacing Bouncer swoops in like a gigantic angry vulture, “time to leave scumbag”.

“you’ve had too much, you’re out”. The bloke looks up at the wide-eyed Jase who is breathing heavily while spit collects at the sides of his lips. He concedes defeat, “OK, OK I’ll leave”. This isn’t the reaction Jase was looking for.

He begins shaking like an earthquake of violent frustration and aggressively escorts him out, making sure to ram him into the door frame a bit on his way out. Still, the young man doesn’t make Jase’s day. He growls at the evictee “you weak dog”.

He returns to his patrol even more unsatisfied. He’ll have himself the fight he craves tonight. Just you wait.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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