The Perth Apprentice

Harlee is a brand-spankin’ new apprentice and has just landed a job working for his uncle, Trev. Unfortunately, he needs a couple of payslips before the bank will let him follow in the footsteps of every other apprentice and ruin his life with an onerous loan for an SS Ute. Until then, he is carpooling with Trev.

On the way, Trev starts loading up a pipe. “Are you going to smoke that Uncle Trev?” Uncle Trev is already charging like he’d just landed on the beach of Normandy, “nah, you are”. Harlee politely declines. Trev stops his Hi-Lux in the middle of an intersection,

“Look, if you turn down a pippy on site, and they’ll know yous is a fucken softcock, how can we trust ya? Smoke the pipe son, or we’ll have a problem”.

Harlee inhales the pungent chemical and starts coughing. Trev laughs, “get that into ya, tradies sugar, Armadale espresso, ice, son”.

Trev leans over to a wide-eyed Harlee, “usually I wait till smoko to Training Day a new appreno lad, consider this my full confidence in ya

They arrive at the site, and Harlee meets his new team. A ragtag selection of gents that have more neck tattoos than teeth between them. They essentially look like a police lineup used in the investigation of an, especially heinous coward punch.

His first task is to retrieve Dare ice coffees under the expert guidance of Spider, a man that impressed Trev with how accurately he could throw a barstool after 12 pints at the pub last Monday afternoon.

At smoko, the lads decide to haze Harlee a little bit. “Oi dick head, go and ask old mate over there for a left-handed screwdriver”. Harlee is stoked that he’s included in the banter, “good try guys, but I know that one”.

The thing about Spider though, is that Spider doesn’t like losing, “cheeky prick ay?” Harlee’s enjoyment dramatically drops when the team dack him and film Spider coating his balls with blue spray paint, “how’s that, ya look like you boofed Papa Smurf up the ‘ole mate!” Textbook Spider.

Of course, when Harlee isn’t being terrorised by roughnecks, he’s being a wankstain himself. See, he’s gained a bit of a reputation for telling girlies that he is a respected and competent tradesman. A classic error.

Alas, a spanner hits his works on a Friday evening, when a presumably intoxicated Uncle Trev decides to share last week’s hazing video on Harlee’s Facebook wall, “show us ya bluee dik ha ha. , me newphew on site ha, lil apprentice pinner ha aha lol”.

If only Harlee hadn’t been too busy trying to big league himself and checked the notification before everyone at the party enjoyed the show.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?