With the ocean to one side and Stirling Highway to the other, Cottesloe thought they did all they could to stop commoners from gaining access to their affluent paradise. Unlucky for them, we found a way in.

Getting Around – you are going to need transport that screams, “get out of my way, peasants”, so look no further than a top of the line road bike. If cycling isn’t your jam, you’ll need a luxury 4WD that can get “creative” with parking.

Top Experiences in Cottesloe

Pop that shirt off – popping your shirt off at the beach is for beginners if you really what to immerse yourself in Cottesloe culture you have to pop that bad boy off for a jog along Marine Parade. As the activity was pioneered as a way for locals to show off their superior genetic makeup, you are expected to apologetically nod at locals if you drag your home-loan-rig along the hallowed path.

Visit the site of the great toilet war – one must pay their respects at the Indiana Tea House toilets. In 2018, the toilets closed after tensions over who should clean them boiled over. Neither proprietor nor Council would budge resulting in *gasps in horror* bright orange portable toilets being wheeled in.

Ultimately, the stench of blue collar was more ghastly than the chicken-ovenable-diets of beach blow-ins and an agreement was struck. Never forget what Cottesloe went through.

Disgust a local – you haven’t lived until you have caused the near immovable botoxed face of a Cott local to grimace in pure disgust. What must one do to invoke such a reaction? Not much really, arrive at Sculptures by the Sea in a ford, ask for the “house white” at the Cott or just exist in their presence really.

Get plastered at brunchCott’s devastatingly tidy MILFs embrace brunch as they are too hungover to stomach breakfast food but need something before getting back on the vodka wagon at 10:30am. To fit in, you will need activewear, a yoga mat and a willingness to spend more money on a made-up meal than you’d pay your au-pair for the week.

Local Delicacies – one cannot go past the delicious fare at the Boatshed Market. Whether it’s a $15 fruit salad or a $50 rib eye that locals would only feed to their dogs, there is something for everyone! Find out why Cott locals always have their groceries served with a fresh slice of extortionate pricing.

Fashion Trends – Cottesloe Beach is a wannabe influencer’s paradise, so dress for the Instagram promo gig you want – just remember to @ them and no doubt the endorsement will come your way. If you aren’t into lying to yourself, it’s always a safe bet to rock the old money “if I hit you with my car on the way to a Polo event I wouldn’t stop” aesthetic.

Testimonials – “I think some old bloke wanted to punch me when I used his driveway to turn around, the way he looked at my early model Magna will stay with me forever, there was real hate in his eyes, you just don’t see that anymore. A great day out, but will have to sell my kid’s drum set to pay for the parking ticket though” – Karl O

More on Cottesloe: Mr Cottesloe, Ms Cottesloe Beach

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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