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The 21st Birthday Girl

Turning 21 used to signify the drinking age in Australia. Now it signifies the start to a brutal attention-seeking endurance event that only the strongest besties will survive. Cass must first select the party planning committee. An elite group of her “favs” that will tap daddy’s credit card so many times you’ll think a Riverdance concert has broken out. 

The #squad look at about 5 different yacht clubs and end up choosing the venue that will make Cass look the fattest. It’s sabotage from within the ranks.

Next, they go out and buy the staples of basic 21sts: inflatable 2 & 1 balloons, glitter and various name-banners just in case you forgot whose party you were attending.

$10k later, the party is planned, and one bestie has been let go along the way. Cass is still fuming about the scandal, “can you believe she wanted the silver 2 & 1 balloons, do I look like second place to you?” 

The next stage in the Cass-a-thon is her actual date of birth. Like a Mayan queen, she sits atop her bed waiting for the digital birthday offerings to be posted upon her Facebook wall. The quality of the collage and sentimental spiel will determine the order of speeches at her 21st.

She is drunk on attention and can’t see an obvious trend emerging. The collages and bestie selfies are all made up of photos where her mates look like “these eff’n 10s” and she looks like Quasimodo’s ball sack.

That loser (her best friend) got 431 birthday messages last month and Cass is sitting at a disgusting 250 at the 4 pm mark. Needless to say, she is LITERALLY DYING OMG. As a result, she cuts 6 people from the original 20 speech makers list.

Cynth is leading the bestie tally so far and claims pole position for the speeches. Given the sheer volume of tears, it’s difficult to tell whether she is giving a birthday speech or copping a facial from an onion, “babes, you are honestly such a 10, I don’t know what I’d do without you… *sobs blessedly*”

An acquaintance invited to boost numbers turns to a mate, “get this chick a tampon”. Unfortunately, he spoke just when there was a brief pause in the girl’s babbling diatribe.

The whole party is ruined now. Cass runs off crying and the disinterested father sees a prime opportunity to reclaim his card from the bar and send these moochers away from his pockets.

The next day, Cass posts a rambling Facebook post about how the party was “lit af” and it was the best night of her life, accompanied by roughly 320 professionally taken photos from the night.

While her core group of besties form a group chat and tear Cass apart behind her back – the way nature intended it. 

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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