IN FOCUS: The HSV Maloo Ute

Say what you want about Holden but they knew exactly how to build the kind of beast that your average high-income WA FIFO worker would push his own mother down a flight of stairs to do burnouts in.

This is true of most of the HSV series but the Maloo holds a special place in Aussie bogan car culture, as unlike the other V8 peen pumps the Maloo was a yewwww-tility vehicle.

It should be remembered that there is a big difference between utility and yewwww-tility. You’d conceivably use an SS for work but the only dirty tool you’ll find in a Maloo is between the driver’s legs as he drives to the local medical clinic to penicillin away the gunky aftermath of another Maloo-groupie from the night before.

Oh yes, a Maloo owner would walk out their door in the morning and wade through the who’s who of past Ms Motorplex 3rd runners up, desperately yearning for a bikini photoshoot next to the high-powered bogan poon magnet.

You can’t help but to reflect on this era of bogan motoring with a warm heart. This aggro turbo ute era had so much more charm than this current aggro dual cab era.

After all, a Hilux can’t put on anywhere near the same show at the lights as a straight-armed, White Oakley-clad, demerit warrior could. Especially if they had risen to the ranks of Maloo driver. A rare honour given their hefty price tag. Heavy is the head that wears the crown.

Also, a dual cab is undeniably fit for its purpose outside of just driving so far up your arse they’re dodging corn. Whereas the Maloo had one single purpose – to attain maximum yeww’age.

What makes the Maloo even more special to WA culture was the beautiful synergy between the mining boom and the release of faster and faster Maloos. It seemed the more money WA miners made, the more motivation HSV had to help them destroy power poles and shit.

And in a truly beautiful requiem to the mining boom in 2014, they pulled out all the stops to produce the fastest ute ever made. A truly perverse mechanical shrine to a cashed-up bogan’s need for speed – the Gen-F 430 kW GTS Maloo.

Another reason why the Maloo is arguably the pinnacle of bogan car culture is not only was it a burnout machine but as it happened, it’s also a pretty solid superannuation policy.

Now, every cloud blowing drongo reckons their flogged out piece of shit Commodore is a collector’s items now. The difference is, (most) Maloo owners would be right.

To give one an idea of how revered the Maloo is in car circles, the last HSV Maloo GTSR W1 s manufactured sold for at auction for almost a million. That doesn’t mean yours will but you’ll probably get a few bucks for it. Especially with Holden closing up shop.

As the cruel mistress of time creeps ever forward we’ll start seeing less and less fluoro coloured utes on the roads. A once key part of bogan identity washed away and hoarded in private collections and police seizure auctions.

Hard not to find that just a bit sad.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?