8 Best Ways to Get a Big Load of Karrinyup ya

Find out why people are saying, “Karrinyup? I thought that was just a big shopping centre?” today!

1. Have a meltdown on the back nine

Karrinyup is about 40% golf course so it would be rude not to have a classic golf melt down as you conduct a futile search for another lost ball in the rough. Of course, you’ll also have the opportunity to pick the exact social class you want to see your Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde moment.

Want to trash that reputation in front of board members? Go to the country club. Want the who’s who of the KFC double drive-through to see? Go, Hammersley. Fore! Massive tantrum coming in hot!

2. Soak in elite juices

Speaking of the Karrinyup Country Club, they are kind enough to offer the shit-eating non-members a small taste of Lake Karrinyup at the aptly named Tranquil Brook. You simply must head down there and bathe in the elite’s juices. Maybe the water will inspire you to not be quite so frightfully poor?

3. Get a photo on the idyllic bridge across the dead foliage

Just near the Tranquil Brook is a picturesque bridge that spans over dead plants. You can view it as a metaphor for the relentless cruelty of aging, as you’re forced to get over all your dead dreams. Like career fulfilment, a good interest rate, or seeing a WA footy team in the grand final anytime soon.

4. Extreme shopping

Karrinyup Shopping Centre offers the ultimate in extreme, survival shopping. Not only will you find yourself potentially lost in the labyrinthine lower car park for potentially months but you’ll find yourself without reception inside either to call for help.

This is a real episode of Bear Grylls so make sure you prepare yourself by becoming accustomed to the taste of your own piss. I highly recommend getting over refreshed at the bar with all the socialites and St Mary’s mums to get a good watery consistency.

5. Join the seasonal vehicular royal rumble

It’s not just a shit show inside the shopping complex. Come Xmas, Karrinyup Road will be transformed into something that makes Mad Max Fury Road look like Postman Pat’s whimsical route.

Get ready to use every trick in your gridlock playbook as you battle to make a few metres before some malaka dogs you. Make sure to leave at least 5 hours for this thrill ride.

6. Let St Mary’s inspire you to follow your dreams

St Mary’s has forged a reputation as the school of visual arts. Just imagine those parents paying all those school fees and their kid doesn’t become a doctor or lawyer, she becomes an artist! (they are still loved, they just get delayed access to the trust fund).

Hey, what’s good for the private school goose is good for your less charmed life gander. So drop that job you hate and start sculpting the life you really want.

7. Disgust some NIMBYs on your rental scooter

When one thinks of the rental scooter scourge they tend to imagine coastal or inner city locations. Well, Karrinyup has ‘em too and you won’t be short of a few stink-eyes flogging one around the serene neighbourhood.

For extra NIMBY-ire points you should most certainly be playing some horrendous music from a portable speaker. Wouldn’t hurt to wear your best pair of red sneakers either.

8. Enjoy a turf war with a local Trigg surf gang

Karrinyup is located so close to Trigg Beach that you could forgive a resident from thinking that it’s “their beach” too. Of course, in the hearts & minds of the rich little kids being brought up in Trigg it ain’t.

So why not enter the fray yourself? Localism is all the rage, so either make a giant dick of yourself down on their beach or track down some Trigg residents in the shops and challenge them to some food court biffo. It’s what Koby Abberton would’ve wanted.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?