The 7 Worst Pests You’ll Encounter At University

Mature-aged student – just like a crocodile expertly stalks its prey, a mature-aged student will wait for the perfect time to strike with their profound question – always about 1 minute before your lecture finishes and you can go and smoke a billie in the car park. Remember, their time is more important than yours because they had a mid-career crisis and couldn’t handle the icy shackles of mid-management purgatory. 

It’s best to remember that a mature-aged student doesn’t just think they are superior to you graduates but also to the teaching staff themselves. So try not to take it personally when they treat you like a combover on a speed dating night. More on mature aged students HERE.

Group assignment freeloader – group assignments are Uni’s way of preparing you for the collaborative hell of real-life workplaces. Like in the real world, how painful a joint project is depends on whether everyone can pull their weight. Hot tip, not everyone intends to. Enter, the freeloader. 

Prepare to become infuriated as you drag this dropkick along knowing they’ll receive the same mark as you unless you turn into a snitch. It’s a tempting trap but one that forces you to either eat shit or become a snitching shiteater. Confused? That’s the way it is, baby, Kind of like a SAW trap. More on the perils of group assignments HERE.

The simp magnet – the simp magnet is a far more advanced form of the freeloader. Usually, an attractive student who has learned to use their charms to get the legion of toey, Clearasil-cretins to do their bidding. Hey, who isn’t going to stay up all night rewording her assignment if she half-promised you an invite to the beach next week?

You really can’t blame her for taking the easy route. The only reason she’s enrolled in this low-level Notre Dame course is because daddy was going to take away the Mini Cooper if she didn’t. Just accept it or better yet don’t be a pathetic snivelling simp.  More on the simp magnet HERE.

The creep – the creep can come from many walks of life. They typically inject themselves into female-dominated classes and spend most of their time trying to get into a few student portals, if you catch their drift. 

Fear not, however, the creep is very easy to identify. Look for the greasycunt wearing so much cologne that you could spot him from 200m away. Also, he’ll appear in your various social media friend requests despite never having told him your name. He’s crafty like that. 

The private school elite – now, not saying all these silverspooned shitheads are in law but… yeah… they are enrolled in law. Enjoy their carefree confidence as they swoon through classes knowing that Ps get degrees and nepotism gets jobs. 

Care to get to know them more? Well, you’d probably not want to be from a public school or you’ll get to enjoy some fist clenching as you hear about how you’ve done so well to even make it to university rather than the fast food chain they always assumed you’d be at. More on them HERE.

The kid that’s finally allowed to drink – ah yes, the keen student of Tavology 101. A social Quasimodo that has finally been released from the pit of adult supervision. His new identity is solely based on drinking and will happily regale you with how many bodily fluids he’s projected over the past few days. 

Ultimately, they will become creatures of the social clubs and live out some weird Aussie frat boy fantasy one beer at a time. It’s best to watch this clown perform in his circus and deliver a hell of an encore at the uni ball when he proves why 1 year of drinking experience doesn’t make you a master. 

Uni staff member living vicariously through the students – it’s not all students to watch out for. Don’t forget the occasional lecturer or tutor who is a little keen to kick it with the youngins. 

Real “swing the chair backward and sit” types. Probably denied teaching roles at schools for their over-enthusiastic intentions to mould the young. That kinda energy. They’ll inevitably get disciplinary actioned up the wazoo but still ones to look out for. 

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