Make a song and dance about waiting for the cute bartender to serve you
In a civilised world, one waits politely and lets the bartender choose them. Not you though, you’ve had your eyes on that cute bartender and will actively reject service from a bloke while asserting to the bar that you’re “waiting for gorgeous over there”. Add a wink for extra reptile points.
Let her know how horny you are
Once you’ve managed to wrangle the bartender or barista of your dreams it’s time to lay it on thicker than the crust on Clive Palmer’s c-tier grundies. If you’re a Mediterranean man this will come naturally but even if you’re not let her know that if you were a “few years younger”.
Don’t go any further because this is when her imagination will kick into a hellish overdrive thinking about your Men In Black Sugar Water Alien body desperately searching for a blue pill while she dry reaches. Your work is done.
Don’t let them get away with having a bit of an off day
Remember, a hospitality worker OWES you a smile each and every time you walk to the bar and take 15 minutes to order 1 drink. Don’t let her lack of reaction stop you from getting the reaction you sorely crave. Press them and remind them with little gems like, “give us a smile luv” or turn to another staff member and ask “what’s wrong with Ms Cranky here?”
Stare at them while they make you drink, giving notes
You should start with the basic assumption that no one knows how to make a drink. Lock eyes like a Tiger stalking its prey and ensure every aspect of the drink is done to your liking. Even if that entails making them change the amount of ice in your drink 5 times to “get it right? Hey it’s your bottom-shelf gin & tonic baby, have it your way.
Whinge to their friend about the person serving them, in front of said person
Complaining about service is a national pastime when you hit 60 years of age so have no shame! Do it right in front of the person you are complaining about at a volume they can clearly make out.
“No one knows how to pour a beer anymore!” They sure don’t cob, let ‘em have it! Extra points if you’re a Guinness person. Heaven forbid you slip a slightly unsettled pint into the other 8 you drink before pissing your pants on the ride home.
Make them cry over the suggestion to use a QR code
Despite always bragging about humble beginners you seem to think wait staff should crawl over broken glass to have the honour of serving you. So imagine your disgust when a staff member (who is forced to push the QR system) makes a polite suggestion you can order a drink without dragging your wrinkly stinking arse to the bar.
In this situation, you are to show no mercy. Refuse any help to get it up on your phone and berate them until they are crying in the cool room. Pat yourself on the back for a job well done.
Lock them into some excruciating small chat at a busy bar
Lacking awareness in any situation is the cornerstone to solid boomering. So despite a busy bar, ensure that the bartender listens to your story in its entirety. Ignore their darting eyes as they look for a polite way to shut you up and serve the other customers.
Remember, your story about how you used to do the job of 10 bartenders by yourself at a country pub is MORE important. Sook like a giant baby when they finally cut your story off to serve.
Disrupt the transaction with a random amount of change
This isn’t limited to the boomers but we all know boomers enjoy testing young people’s maths. Seeing as they constantly bemoan the state of education in the world. Get a perverse pleasure from slipping them a random assortment of shrapnel after they’ve pressed cash on the till to test their mental maths.
Under NO circumstances do this before they have worked out your change in their head or on the till. That would be cheating and will not benefit their education one bit. Delight in their panic.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
