Byford is the pot of gold at the end of the Tonkin Highway rainbow. A semi-rural escape that has Armadale in its sights to claim the throne of the jewel of the South East.
1. Meet your spirit animal
What sleeps all day, constantly eats, and is susceptible to chlamydia? That’s right you. Also koalas. So go and enjoy the company of these majestic beasts at the local Koala Park. Now unlike you, these animals are clean so if you are currently packing some discharge maybe give this one a miss.
2. Pay your respects at the Cow servo
In a truly beautiful sequence of Byford events, a decorated cow statue was swindled from a local school in early 2023. Weeks later, “Moosli”, as she’s named, appeared on top of the Vibe servo on South Western Highway. It put Byford on the map so you should go and pour out a bit of your Dare iced coffee to honour Moosli’s grand adventure.
3. Enjoy a day potholin’
Undoubtedly, Byford is an ambitious suburb. It’s the kind of suburb that looked at adventure-packed Albany and figured it wanted a slice. So it brought the pothole energy of Albany right here to Perth. You’re welcome to have some fun at the existing potholes or camp out for the opening of new ones. It’s really up to you and how much excitement you can take.
4. Stay at a big piss-off palace up the hill
There are two main ways to live in Byford. Either in the estates where you can hear your neighbour shitting or up the hill in eccentric, sprawling properties with massive gates warning people to piss off. Naturally, you’ll want a “piss-off palace” to stay at. Make sure you sort out the accommodation beforehand clearly because you will certainly not get a warning shot in these here hills.
5. Finetune your horticultural skills
Within 10 minutes of being in Byford you’ll understand that it’s a great place to grow a little “herb”. What sort of herb is up to you and with the cost of everything at Woolies atm maybe growing dill could be as profitable? Byford is vast, secluded, and uninviting to unexpected visitors – so the perfect place to fine-tune those horticulture or lab skills. Grow, cook, love.
6. Utilise the Bunbury transit pipeline when it opens!
Byford is getting a traino! So when you manage to grow or cook something, why not utilise the pure convenience of being on the Australind line to earn a little pocket money? You wouldn’t be the first and you won’t be the last. You are strongly advised not to head north on the network though as stepping on Armadale horticulturalists’ toes could be hazardous to your health. Gardening is serious business!
7. Push the definition of lookout to its limit
OK, it’s time to dive a bit deeper into Byford and uncover some gems. Everyone loves a lookout, it’s the chance to reflect on the world while taking in a stunning vista. So prepare yourself for one of the best in the business. The lookout at The Brook in Byford is nothing short of magnificent; it has, as the French say, that je ne sais quoi. Can you even call it a lookout? Technically, yes, technically, yes.
8. Forget everything you knew about one-stop shopping
Hear that unfamiliar drumming? Well, that’s the beat Byford likes to march to. It doesn’t need your fancy Gates and Centros. Shopping centres aren’t for Byford. Who needs one-stop shopping anyway? Plus it’s generally not advisable to get too many Byfordians inside a building at the same time. UFC comes to Perth often enough as it is.
9. Buy some booze
Byford has 6 bottlos including Uncle Dans. It’s a thirsty place to live evidently. So it’d be rude not to indulge in the local’s favourite pastime. After picking up a dirty little 4-pack the world is your oyster. For mine, I’d be heading straight to Briggs Park to enjoy the daily running of the Staffies.
10. Oldmatetopia at The Byford
If drinking el naturale isn’t your thing then perhaps the local Tav is for you. Now, many taverns in Perth try to hide their TAB customers in increasingly smaller rooms. Well, not The Byford. Enjoy a mighty wall of screens. A true oldmatetopia to go apeshit screaming at a dog to run faster. Then kick on the pub crawl at the best microbrewery overlooking an irrigation lake in the South East and then the Country Club for a true taste of the Byford locals.
11. Become part of the 1%
No, not talking about the pricks who caused the Global Financial Crisis. Talking about the fact Byford always seems to pop up for a bikie-related shenanigan. So why let dreams be dreams? This will especially appeal to those who spend their lives paying off a Harley and trying to convince blokes at the Cas that they know bikies. Well, now you will!
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?