A Guide to Being a Verge Scab

The end is dawning on kerb-crawling filth as more and more councils have opted to end verge side collections. Thus, its never been more important to embrace your destiny as a festering scab and ooze the pus of inconsideration all over the streets, as you battle for the remaining spoils of scavenging.

Time your run – anyone with some skin in the game knows that there is a highly unreasonable anti-verger sentiment in the community. Therefore it’s best to play it safe and descend upon your pre-loved treasures in the dead of the night.

Remember to keep your shitbox Falcon running with its high beams pointed directly at every property you hit. Your scabbing ease is worth more than their rest.

Come prepared – certainly not talking about bringing a trailer, don’t be fuckin’ silly. All you need to succeed in this game is more straps than a pegging-orgy.

Always remember, there are two types of people in this world, people who don’t think a mattress can sit on their roof and matress-less losers. A true scab will have his car looking like a shonky Jenga tower – don’t believe the hype no one’s ever died from an unsecured load… probably.

The homeowner is there to help  – at the end of the day, you’ve already probably woken up sleeping beauty by being a loud cunt out the front, so there really is no harm knocking on the door to get some answers.

Yes, it’s 1 am in the morning, but how could anyone sleep at night knowing that you’d picked up a potentially unbroken TV and couldn’t find the remote?

Leave the pile “reorganised” – odds are the person who chucked out his old shit hasn’t been around rubbish as often as you. So, clearly, you know far more about the correct state to leave a pile in.

This isn’t Tetris so shit really doesn’t need to be stacked in a nice, tidy pile. Do the homeowner a favour and show him how a true verger does it, and leave his front yard looking like Austin Power’s teeth.

You deserve a medal if anything  – remember, you are not a piece of shit. You just believe in a little something called recycling, and like all crusaders, you accept that there has to be some collateral damage.

If anyone ever tries to tell you that you are a pest, just show them the fat stack of 5s you just made after selling a pensioner some broken shit on Gumtree. Who’s the loser now?

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?