1. Choosing the Right Reason
Charity is the Napisan that is guaranteed to fade those narcissistic skidmarks from your fun-rundies, so choose an appropriate cause to dedicate your look-at-me-fest to.
Now, your selfish fucking family have made life hard by being irritatingly healthy. Your pisshead uncle had gout, but Jesus, how gross and hashtag unfriendly. No, you are going to have to hijack someone else’s passionate cause and pretend to give a shit about it.
Perhaps your beneficiary wouldn’t mind your superficiality if you actually raised some money for them. Are you? Yeh, nah probably not as you have much preparation to do!
2. Preparation is Key
True winners of fun runs are moulded in the gym mirror, not on the equipment. Success is measured in likes.
It is imperative that you use the month leading up to the fun run to pepper the social media steak with constant selfies & updates. Start with a post a week and start building on your core hashtags.
By the final week you should be in full form with daily posts and dead-lifting the full weight of your ego via an excessive stream of hashtags #fitspo#bethereaon#sacrifice#charitybabe#bethechangeyouwantintheworld#hero#nike#lululemon#underarmour#blessed… etc.
3. Champions Have the Right Gear
You wouldn’t wear a cum-rag to your wedding, so how can you even think of wearing those 2 month old running skins to the fun run? Fucking pleb.
Ladies, invest in the finest Cottesloe-brunch Lululemons, and lads, it’s straight to Jim Kidd for Under Armour, you know, the shit you wear to try and fool dog-walkers into thinking you’re an elite South Perth foreshore athlete.
Once you have spent more on yourself than you’ve raised for you charity, lay all your new shit out into a photogenic display on your bed, complete with your fun run t-shirt, number and any wanky FitBit you plan on using. Upload immediately.
4. Have your Victory Spiel Planned
So, you’ve done it, you’ve plodded through a 4-20km circuit and have updated everyone, every step of the god damned way. You are now dripping in smugness and therefore well lubricated for the final act of shameless hashtagerbation.
Post a photo of yourself at the finishing line, and post a rambling diatribe about your #journey, your #sacrifice and start thanking people like you’d won a fucking Oscar. If you remember, maybe give that charity you cared so much about a plug, but don’t stress, this day is all about you baby.
Oh and wipe away your happy tears with your shirt, embrace that shit, you know you’ll be wearing it for the next 10 years.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?