Affluent “mumfluencer” Rebecca has been preparing for one of the biggest days on her social media calendar all year – her children returning to school after the summer break.
In fact, she has been preparing ever since last year’s back-to-school posts were dwarfed by a rival mumfluencer. Best not to mention that day or the proceeding meltdown around Rebecca though.
So to ensure her little crotch goblins don’t ruin her big day with their stupid ugly faces and lack of social media je ne sais quoi she has forced them to spend their last day of freedom doing a dressed rehearsal.
We spoke to Rebecca who safe to say wasn’t dealing with the pressure of the dressed rehearsal well. She told The Times,
“I told the kids it would be a 6 am start but I actually got them up at 5 am as I anticipated they were going to ruin it! I TOLD THEM TO LOOK ANGELIC AS MUMMY LOOKS OVER HER LITTLE ANGELS SLEEPING AND CRIES. They looked like shit on toast”
Next, the children rehearsed running down the hall when she told them breakfast was ready 35 times. With Rebecca picking out faults in their stride, enthusiasm, and star quality.
We spoke to Rebecca’s husband who said he got a frantic call from her at 6:30 am asking him if he thought they had failed as parents because the kids can’t seem to eat an Acai bowl in a glamorous fashion. He told The Times,
“yeah I’m sleeping in the office tonight. I can’t handle this shit, man”
After the three-course breakfast it was on to the money content – the school uniforms, the lunchboxes and the backpacks.
To say it went poorly would be an understatement. With Rebecca accusing her small children of losing their adorable cherub baby fat in the place of actual disgusting bloatedness. It’s the only reason she could think of as to why the photos were popping.
She told The Times,
“It’s a good thing we did this today because now I know I can’t rely on the content from tomorrow. So I’m going to photoshop these photos to take a few KGs off and do what I can about those tears rolling down Captain Bedwetter’s face. I hate working with amateurs!”
To finish the day, Rebecca wrote over 34 captions talking about the emotion of a mother seeing her kids run off for another year and how much of a special day it was for them.
Keep building that trauma Rebecca.
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